SAT 23 NOV 2002

Why We Haven't Found Osama

Bush demonstrates his military expertise.

Hu's On First?

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call Hu?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[From the ShanMonster and various other sources.]

Breaking News: Bush Not Moron!
Despite increasing evidence to the contrary (see above), Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien apparently felt compelled last week to publicly announce that he does not think George W. Bush is a moron. American Bush supporters cheered the remark, although the international reaction has been somewhat less positive.

Thought for the Week
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies."
--Groucho Marx

Bush Delivers Post-Election Speech

Visit PoliticalStrikes.com!

The Day After
I was on my way to work Wednesday, the morning after the midterm elections, listening to NPR. They were doing a segment on Johnny Cash and his new album, The Man Comes Around. The trees were ablaze with the reds and yellows of autumn, and Cash was singing apocalyptic songs about golden ladders and Alpha & Omega and a thorn tree in a whirlwind. Then he went into a rendition of the song they play at the end of the movie Dr. Strangelove: "We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when...." Somehow it fit just perfectly with the mood of the day. Meanwhile, we can look forward to over 700 more days of Republican hypocrisy, warmongering, invasion of privacy, and corruption of our youth with right-wing "values." Can democracy survive? Stay tuned.

Why Football is Boring
I've never understood the appeal of football. It all looks the same to me. A bunch of guys line up, they run into each other, somebody falls down, and then they all stop and mill around for a few minutes. Then they line up again, they run into each other, maybe this time they throw the ball, somebody falls down, and then they stop and mill around some more. And they do this over and over, for hours on end. What's the point? If they really want to make it interesting, they should make it a fight to the death. This would not only satisfy the domestic public's craving for "extreme" entertainment, it would also let the international community know we really mean business.

A Whole 'Nother Country
A man walked into a western saloon and ordered a beer just as George Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and said, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him, knocking him off the bar stool.

Shaking his head, the man stood up again and resumed drinking his beer. A few minutes later, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man remarked. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool again.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "This is horse country!"

Thought for the Week
"There are moments in history when loving your country means deploring the individuals who represent and purport to lead it."
-- Hal Crowther

UV Body Painting: Halloween for the 21st Century

UV body painting uses fluorescent cosmetics and ultraviolet lighting to create surreal "costumes".
Photo courtesy of Cambridge UltraViolet Body Art.

Is Our Children Learning?
In Missouri (home state of John Ashcroft), a student lost his computer privileges after accessing a parody web site that school administrators described as "pornographic." The White House was quick to respond.

(Note to clueless "educators": whitehouse.com is a porn site, whitehouse.org is a parody site, and whitehouse.gov is a propaganda site. Try to keep it straight, okay?)

Finding the Right Costume
A grumpy old man with a bald head and a wooden leg was invited to a fancy Halloween party, but he couldn't decide what to wear. So he placed a telephone call to an exclusive costume shop guaranteed to provide the best possible Halloween costume based on each client's personal preferences and characteristics.

The old man told the salesperson about his bald head and his wooden leg, and that he was going to a very upscale Halloween ball, and that he required a costume that would make him look his best for the occasion.

"Certainly, sir," replied the salesperson cheerfully. "I suggest you go as a pirate. We can provide you with a fully authentic pirate's costume, accurate down to the last detail. The bandanna will cover your bald head, and your wooden leg will complement the outfit perfectly."

"You blithering idiot!" fumed the old man. "I said I wanted a costume that would make me look good! Why would I want to call attention to my wooden leg? Now give me another suggestion."

"Very well, sir," the salesperson replied coolly. "We also have an authentic medieval monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you'll really look the part."

"You incompentent little twerp!" the old man screamed. "What part of 'I want to look good' don't you understand? This is a fancy occasion! I don't want people staring at my bald head all night! Now think of something else, and this time make it sensible!"

"All right, sir," the salesperson replied flatly. "I can offer you one final suggestion. We can provide you with a jar of molasses."

"A jar of molasses?" sputtered the old man furiously. "What the hell am I supposed to do with a jar of molasses?!?"

"Well, sir," said the salesperson, "you can pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a candied apple."

Thought for the Week
"Man is certainly stark mad: he cannot make a worm, yet he will make gods by the dozen."
-- Michel de Montaigne

An Important Message from the pResident and His Family

War and Peace
War with Iraq -- at last, something Dubya and Osama can both agree on! Meanwhile, even as some war opponents are losing their backbone, others are standing tall for peace. These are truly ironic times.

Name That Boat
Speaking of irony, there seem to be some people with absolutely no grasp of sarcasm or satire. For instance, you'd think it would be obvious to anyone smarter than an artichoke that this essay is not meant to be taken entirely seriously. Nonetheless, some bright student decided to use that very essay as a factual source when writing this article for their college newspaper on Filipino American History Month. Naturally, in today's politically correct atmosphere, hilarity ensued.
(Connections courtesy of Memepool.)

Unusual Creature Last week a co-worker brought a very odd little animal into work -- a coatimundi. I'd never heard of this animal before, much less seen one in the flesh. Native to South and Central America and the southwestern U.S., the coatimundi looks sort of like a mutated raccoon with a long pointed snout and a very long ringed tail. They can grow up to 25 or 30 pounds, but this one was a cub, about the size of a kitten, and very friendly and curious. I doubt we'll be acquiring one ourselves, though, at least not anytime soon -- because they're such exotic pets, they cost close to $1000. Whoa!

A coatimundi.

Who is Nookie Green?
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions. A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession. "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."

"That is your sin?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father."

The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest thinks to himself, this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners.

"Those are your sins?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."

This time, the priest has to ask. "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"Just a woman I know, Father."

"Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves, wondering who this Nookie Green woman is....

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat adorned with a long green feather. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy, "Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?"

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Update
Took the atom graphic off the masthead, which now more closely resembles its original appearance. (Reminder: because of the fluid nature of the web, archived pages may contain dead links.)

Erratum
In our September 21 edition, we included a quote attributed to Julius Caesar regarding leaders who beat the drums of war. Turns out the quote was fake, even though it is widely referenced on the internet. Too bad -- it's a good quote. I wonder who actually wrote it? If they come up with anything else of that caliber, they should put their own name on it. They write pretty well.

Thought for the Week
"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson