SAT 24 AUG 2002

As Long As We're Ignoring Harkin...

Meanwhile, "Kenny Boy" walks free. Should Martha have been more generous in her contributions to the GOP?

Bush Fire
Global warming causes drought. Drought causes forest fires. The Bush solution: cut down the forests and blame the fires on environmentalists.

That's right -- according to the demagoguery issuing from the White House, hate radio, and other propaganda outlets, the wildfires raging in the west started because environmentalists refused to allow the Forest Service to clear deadwood and underbrush from wooded areas. While this explanation might be convenient for the planet-rapers, it also happens to be completely untrue.

Most environmentalists, in fact, support the current policy of clearing brush and small trees as a necessary part of forest management. Bush's plan to open up national forests to commerical logging will not only do nothing to prevent future fires, it could actually make matters worse. (Perhaps this is part of the Bush strategy of "adapting" to global warming -- cut down trees to keep the forests from burning, and when the fires continue, say you have to cut down even more trees, etc.) Most disappointingly, the Bush fire control plan does not include a provision to eliminate the Drug Enforcement Agency, which might have made the effort at least marginally effective.

(RAP has submitted an editorial cartoon on this topic.)

A Winter's Tail
Jack and his buddy, Bob, went skiing. They loaded up Jack's SUV and headed north. After a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and pulled into the driveway of a farm owned by a very rich widow. They went to the door and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"Oh, it's such terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself. But I'm recently widowed," she said, "and I'm afraid of what the neighbors will say if I let two attractive young men stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy if you just let us sleep in your barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they left and had a great skiing weekend.

But nine months later Jack got a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of the attractive widow in whose barn he and Bob had stayed.

So he drove to see his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, remember nine months ago when we stayed with that good-looking widow from the farm on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you get up in the middle of the night and go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you stay the night with her?"

"Yes."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of your own?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Thought for the Week
"We despise all reverences and all the objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our own list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us."
-- Mark Twain

No Experience Necessary

Birthdays and Anniversaries
This week marks both the 43rd birthday of our founder and the third anniversary of this web site. So let's party.

It's also been 25 years since Elvis the King died on his throne, instantly sparking rumors that he might be alive. As pop culture continues to elevate Elvis to godlike status, it's possible that in a thousand years or so he will be mythologized as a deity. Oh wait, that's already happened. More than once.

Update
Added War of Words to Explositions.

The Evolution of Math Problems: A 50-Year Retrospective
1952:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

1962:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

1972:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set "M".
Set "C" is the cost of production. It contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of set "P" of profits?

1982:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Underline the number "20."

1992:
By cutting down trees in a beautiful forest, a logger makes $20. What do you think about this way of making a living?
Topic for class discussion: How did the forest animals feel as the loggers cut down the trees?
(There are no wrong answers.)

2002:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. The cost of production is $80. How does Arthur Andersen determine that the profit is three million dollars?

Evil Is As Evil Does
Government officials profit from war and terror. Hitler is reincarnated as the blonde he always wanted to be. Ashcroft readies the concentration camps. At least someone's keeping score.

Special Delivery
Email is a great convenience, but it can sometimes cause serious and unintended consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Thought for the Week
"There is nothing that war has ever achieved we could not better achieve without it."
-- Havelock Ellis

Raving Maniacs

Ravers say the darndest things...

Surviving the Slump
If you'd bought $1000 worth of NorTel stock a year ago, now it would be worth less than $50.
If you'd bought $1000 worth of Enron stock a year ago, now it would be worth less than $20.
If you'd bought $1000 worth of WorldCom stock a year ago, now it would be worth less than $5.

However...

If you'd bought $1000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, and recycled all the cans, you'd have gotten back around $200.

Investment strategy for the Bush economy: drink heavily and recycle.

Strange Sites
A selection of odd nodes from the net:

• Color Me Chaotic
  My question about this coloring book is, would a true Discordian bother to stay inside the lines?
• The Dildozer
  It's long been theorized that for men, a motorized vehicle is an extension of the penis. Now we have proof.
• Justify Your Existence
  So, what have you accomplished so far in life?
• Evolve Now
  Protect your rights -- speak your mind!
• For Women Only
  Whether you're naughty or nice, it's always important to stay in shape.
• Instant Karma
  Holy cow! Holy shit!

Another Encounter at the Gates
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it's not so easy to get into heaven. There are some criteria to be met before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church?

"No."

St. Peter tells him that's bad.

Was he generous? Give money to the poor? Charities?

"No."

St. Peter tells him that's also bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything?

"No."

St. Peter was becoming concerned. "Look," he says, "everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think."

The man says, "Well, there was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting her and laughing at her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. Then I helped her to her feet. Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker, told him he was a bully and a moron and a coward, and spat right in his face."

"Wow," says Peter, "that's impressive. When did this happen?"

The man replies, "Oh, about 10 minutes ago."

Thought for the Week
"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
-- Theodore Roosevelt