SAT 29 JUN 2002

Song is Over They just keep leaving us. Say goodbye to John Entwistle, bassist for The Who, considered by many to be one of the defining rock bands of the 1960s, on par with the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. How many ways are there to mourn the loss of the musicians who gave us the soundtracks to our lives? They live on in their recordings, but they have crossed the threshold into history, and as they recede into the past they take with them a small piece of the world as we once knew it.

One Nation, Under New Management
Earlier this week, the 9th Circuit Court in California ruled the pledge of allegiance unconstitutional because it contains the clause "under God" and therefore implicitly promotes the idea of the existence of a monotheistic deity. Personally, I was surprised it took them 48 years to figure this out. But, predictably, the ruling provoked a storm of controversy in the popular media, far overshadowing other less important news items such as the discovery of a possible cure for cancer. Despite the potential business opportunties involved, both political and religious conservatives strongly condemned the decision. And, as if to make sure people didn't get the wrong idea about the direction this country is heading, the US Supreme Court ruled that it's fine and dandy to force high school students to piss in a cup in order to participate in extracurricular activities that might keep them off drugs in the first place, and that it's Constitutionally okay to funnel public tax money into private religious indoctrination centers. Haven't there been songs written about things like this? I'm sure the socialist who wrote the original pledge of allegiance would be most dismayed by this turn of events. Perhaps the pledge should be emended to something more indicative of the current national mood: "... one nation, kiss my ass, we're invincible, with military justice for all."

Diversions
If something like this happens to you, you might end up needing one of these, unless you're among the few who are pure of heart. Britney Spears is a slut.

The Rumor
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not quit rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quavered as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Thought for the Week
"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
-- Alvin Toffler

A Public Service Announcement

Happy Solstice!
Creative Dynamix™ would like to wish all of our northern hemisphere patrons a happy summer solstice (and a happy winter solstice to our friends down under)! If you're still living in a free society (and some of us are beginning to wonder), you can exercise your right to celebrate this occasion at the church of your choice (thanks, Doyce!). If you're unsure of your theological inclinations, you can always talk to God about it.

Breaking News
In light of recent revelations, Black Max has submitted a revised and expanded verison of his guest editorial, Hell, Yes, They Knew. In related news, the Dubya is being sued, but according to this little-publicized tidbit unearthed by Shan, you still damn well better applaud when you see him.

In other news, a giant hot dog threatened Pentagon security earlier this week, but ultimately proved harmless. (This incident will probably give someone an idea for a comic movie farce where bumbling terrorists try to blow up some important building with a stolen Weinermobile. Maybe the next Austin Powers flick. They might even be able to get Osama's half-brother to make a special appearance.)

The Priest and the Policeman
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day and he walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sgt. Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Thought for the Week
"The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer."
-- Dave Barry

Clean Up That Dirty Bomb!

Many thanks to Doyce for this timely advertisement.

Search Term Roundup
Recently I discovered that a Google search for "bush cheney pinky brain" (no quotes) brings up this site first on the list. We're number one! (For now....) Other search terms that have brought people to this site recently include:

I want a bumper sticker of that last one.

A Tale from Texas
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all the folks after announcing that his wife just produced a "typical" Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations are showered upon him from all around, and exclamations of "WOW!" fill the air. A woman faints nearby from sympathy pains. Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender asks, "Say, aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?" "Yep, that's me," replies the Texan. "Well, how much does he weigh now?" "Seventeen pounds," answers the proud father. "Seventeen pounds?" says the puzzled bartender. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his mouth on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and with his southern drawl and deep voice says, "Had him circumcised."

Satanic Chickens and Other Weirdness With the Bush administration seemingly oblivious to everything from 9-11 intelligence to global warming, you might be tempted to criticize the pResident, but remember -- your privacy is no longer guaranteed, regardless of your ethnicity. Whether it's due to a vast conspiracy, stupidity and greed, or simply the fact that some people have absolutely no sense of humor, the entire planet appears to be going berserk. Maybe it's time to relocate.

Scientists in Israel have created chickens without feathers. But could these birds be Satanic?

Overheard
Two Palestinean women are walking down the street. One of them turns to the other and says, "Does this bomb make me look fat?"

Ramones Now 50% Dead
Last week the world lost Dee Dee Ramone, the troubled and talented musician who was in many ways the driving force behind the Ramones in particular and the punk rock movement of the late 1970s in general. This is not his obituary. And if the title of this entry seems somewhat insensitive, remember: Dee Dee would have wanted it that way.

Thought for the Week
"Whoever would overthrow the liberty of a nation must begin by subduing the freeness of speech."
-- Benjamin Franklin

Politically Incorrect Dining

Guest Editorial
This week we present a guest editorial from Black Max: Hell, Yes, They Knew.

Maggie's Story
This is a true story. My friend Maggie was visiting her friend Twig in London and ran into an old acquaintance -- a man whom she described as a "cad," a "scoundrel," and a "blackguard." Let's just call him "Tristan", which is not his real name. Tristan had treated her most foully, Maggie said (without further specifics), and she wanted to repay the favor, as it were. Did she ever.

Pretending as though she was still interested in his company, she went out to dinner with Tristan at a fancy restaurant, along with several of his wealthy and influential friends. Maggie found herself sitting next to "this older guy" who, she said, "kept going on and on about all this stupid political bullshit." So finally Maggie turned to the gentleman and told him, "You, sir, are talking out your ass."

As an embarassed silence settled over the table, Maggie's horrified acquaintance whispered urgently to her, "Do you realize that you were talking to former Prime Minister John Major?!?"

She hadn't, but that just made the revenge all the more sweet. "I don't care," she replied. "He's still talking out his ass."

They left the restaurant shortly afterward, and Tristan -- furious and thoroughly mortified -- requested that Maggie never come near him ever again.

"Mission accomplished," said Maggie.

Thought for the Week
"Have you noticed that your body is playing little tricks on you lately? If you are a boy, you may have noticed your legs, face, arms, and chest are becoming covered with thick, black hairs and your voice may be beginning to sound like a phonograph needle ruining your favorite stack of platters. If you are a girl, you may have noticed a painful swelling up here and some more funny business going on down there. These dramatic changes can mean only one thing: cholera. If you are not among the lucky ones, then it simply means you are becoming a young man or a young woman, depending on how much fluoride they dumped in your parents' drinking water. I know that such changes can often be difficult for growing teens, but try to weather the storm and 'grin and bear it.' There is always impotence and menopause."
-- Doug Kenney