SAT 01 JUN 2002

New Regulations to Help Fight Terrorism

As part of the war on terrorism, new goverment regulations will require all employees everywhere to thoroughly wash their genitals, under strict supervision, before attempting to enter the workplace.

Welcome FBI Agents!
Since Reichsfuhrer John Ashcroft has expanded FBI surveillance powers to levels not seen since the bad old days of "the Hoove" -- including permission to snoop around potentially subversive web sites -- we imagine there will be an agent or two dropping by sooner or later to check things out around here. Well, Mr. or Ms. FBI Agent, hello! Please feel free to relax, hang out, and browse around to your little heart's content. Here at Creative Dynamix™, we stand for long-valued American principles, such as the once-radical ideas that all people should be equal under the law, that the policies of government should be shaped by the will of the majority, and that political dissent is not evidence of lack of patriotism. We despise the Taliban just as much as you do, not just because they blew up irreplaceable 1500-year-old statues of the Buddha in Afghanistan and went on to crash hijacked planes into populated American skyscrapers, but also because they're a bunch of self-righteous authoritarian religious fanatics who hold freedom and democracy in contempt. Nothing at all like some of our own leaders, right? Anyway, Mr. or Ms. FBI agent, welcome to our humble domain. We're confident you'll behave yourselves in a manner befitting your position.

One Fine Day at the Wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau had an apartment overlooking the Western Wall, and every day she saw an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. So she went down to the Wall, intent on interviewing him.

"I see you at the Wall every day, sir. How long have you been doing that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replied, "I have come here to pray every day for 50 years. In the morning, I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and the Palestinians."

Deeply impressed, the journalist asked, "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 50 years and pray for these wonderful things?"

The old man replied calmly, "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

New War Strategy Implemented
The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God.

Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris' Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement cafés at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe.

They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else. However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.

Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate a non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe. Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the dropping of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album out and Jesse Helms has not died yet.

(Found on Planet Proctor; some links added. M.J. link courtesy of El Juno.)

Cold Comfort
The stray dog that killed our cat Mojo has been captured by animal control authorities. Turns out it was a canine serial killer -- it also killed three kittens down the street from us! Multiple complaints from people in our area helped lead to the dog's "arrest." It has been declared a public menace and will receive the death penalty. Although we'll never get Mojo back, justice (of sorts) has been served.

Thought for the Week
"Mammals claiming to have divine authority are serious pests."
-- Christopher Hitchens

In Memory of Mojo

This week we were devastated by the loss of our two-year-old male cat, Mojo. Coming just a week after losing our kitten Myst, the grief was almost too much to bear.

Early Wednesday morning, Mojo was viciously attacked by at least one stray dog. We got him to the vet immediately, and he spent all Wednesday in intensive care at the animal hospital. At first he seemed to be improving, but his wounds were too extensive and severe. Despite the doctor's best efforts, Mojo died early Thursday morning.

Mojo was more than just a pet -- he was a true friend and companion, and a prince among cats. He was large and gentle, smart and strong. Our home and our lives are emptier without his company, but his spirit will always be with us.

Life is fragile and fleeting. Be kind to each other, and cherish each day as it comes. No one knows what tomorrow will bring.

Thought for the Week
"We are living 'neath the great Big Dipper
We are washed by the very same rain
We are swimming in the stream together
Some in power, some in pain
We can worship this ground we walk on
Cherishing the beings that we live beside
Loving spirits will live forever
We're all swimming to the other side."
-- Pat Humphries, Swimming to the Other Side

Jesus Is Watching...

Conspiracy Unmasked!
Washington has been buzzing this week with the all-consuming question: What did Bush and Cheney ignore, and when did they ignore it? Or, to put it another way, if the government had advance warning of the 9/11 hijackings, was its failure to prevent those terrorist attacks the result of bureaucratic incompetence... or criminal insanity?

Our duly appointed pResident has, of course, vehemently dismissed this line of speculation, even though it's been brought up before, as recently as last month and as long ago as last fall. Conspiracy theories abound, ranging from remotely plausible to obviously paranoid to just plain weird. Yet apart from occasional accusations of rigging the 2000 elections or colluding with corrupt business executives, the White House has -- until now -- remained relatively free of media-acknowledged scandal.

So the ultimate question is this: Is the Bush administration so drunk with power and hubris that it would deliberately allow the deaths of thousands of innocent people in order to create a political climate favorable to the rapid advance of its own self-serving authoritarian agenda? And, if so, was it getting a blowjob at the time? The world may never know.

Fun in the 21st Century
Two scientists want to patent the genome for a human/mouse hybrid, conceivably rendering the age-old question of "Are you a man or a mouse?" obsolete within the decade. Meanwhile, moral absolutists with zero tolerance for context continue to criminalize kids for being kids, and sometimes even punish them for their parents' choices. (Why these incidents of blind, robotic rule-worship are continually blamed on "political correctness," which is also blamed for "moral relativism," which is in turn defined by its detractors as some sort of vacuous amoral philosophy which no one I've ever met actually believes in, remains beyond me.) It's enough to make you nostalgic for old television commercials.

Update
Added new pictures of Ronni and the Reverand Dead Corpse to the Cagers section of the Photo Album.

Tragedy On Tuesday, our 10-month-old kitten Myst was bitten by a copperhead and died. No words can describe how much we will miss her.

Retirement Bonus
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar.'"

The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."

Thought for the Week
"Censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates in the end the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion."
-- Henry Steele Commager

Ghosts of the Past
Not long ago we traveled to the area around Appomattox for a few days, spending much of the two-hour drive on narrow unmarked blacktop highways winding through the green Virginia countryside. History lies deep in the bones of the land here. There is a depth of time that somehow evokes a sense of timelessness: you can taste the past on the fresh spring breeze, sweet and melancholy, like the smell of old wood. Cattle graze placidly on the hills and broad pastures that once saw the flash of cannon, cracking rifles and rearing horses under the billow of opposing flags, battle and blood, armies advancing in shades of blue and gray. Their ghosts are here still. You can feel their distant presence on the empty sunlit fields, hear their silent voices in the whispers of midnight trees.

You might think towns with resonant historic names like Halifax and Appomattox would be bustling cities by now, but in fact they're quite small, and the whole area remains sparsely populated and apparently little-changed since the days of the Confederacy. Surprisingly, we did not see a lot of Confederate flags on display, except at the antique and souvenir shops where they maintained a historical context. Perhaps since Appomattox was the site of Lee's surrender (or, as the locals prefer to phrase it, "where the country reunited"), the inhabitants are well aware that the Civil War has indeed been over for quite some time, a fact that doesn't seem to have entirely penetrated in some other parts of the South.

Several southern states, including my native North Carolina, celebrate Confederate Memorial Day around this time of year, ostensibly to commemorate their "Southern Heritage" (as Tom Lehrer once described it, "Old times there are not forgotten -- whoppin' slaves and sellin' cotton....").

It's one thing to visit the past; it's another thing entirely to refuse to leave. Some people seem to have their heads so firmly lodged in the 19th century that they're blind to any historical perspective. It is impossible to romanticize the antebellum South without trivializing the human misery that accompanied it, and the long shadow of racial injustice that it has cast over successive generations.

The Civil War has been over for nearly 140 years. That should have been more than enough time for it to become self-evident that slavery never had a rightful place in a land that purports to be free.

Around the Web
The Bush administration has kicked off Masturbation Awareness Month with a gala meeting between Dubya and Ozzy, although this may simply be part of a political plot to keep the populace confused and obediant. It might be a good time to check your religious consistency, your Constitutional knowledge, or at least the significance of your birthdate.

Search Me...
People continue to find this site with search terms such as "enema nozzles", "nude hippie girls", and "Armour hot dogs", but until just recently I don't think anyone had gotten here by doing a Google search for "how to make tits". First time for everything.

Thought for the Week
"A drug is neither moral nor immoral - it's a chemical compound. The compound itself is not a menace to society until a human being treats it as if consumption bestowed a temporary license to act like an asshole."
-- Frank Zappa