FRI 14 DEC 2001

Bin Laden Flees Afghanistan in Disguise

Holiday Gift Ideas
The Xmas shopping season is in full swing, but you may still be wondering what to buy for that certain special someone. Well, help is on the way! Both Dave Barry and Buck Wolf have compiled lists of unique and memorable gift ideas that are sure to be appreciated, or at least speculated upon, for years to come. (Grinches, Scrooges, fundies and Ashcroft supporters may find more suitable suggestions here.)

Thought for the Day
"Next to power without honor, the most dangerous thing in the world is power without humor."
-- Eric Sevareid

Thought for the Day
"Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear and there's a test you haven't studied for."
-- some anonymous wit

Slowdown Ahead: Expect Delays
Due to upcoming holiday preparations and activities, updates to this site may be sporadic for next few weeks.

Talk to the Animals
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down, the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pull his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. His antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.

All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. The man rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he, he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded man and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "fuck you".

The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left he became madder and madder. He plotted his revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The gorilla did the same. Then the man picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next the man whipped the sausage out of the fly of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.

The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

Thought for the Day
"The love of liberty is the love of others. The love of power is the love of ourselves."
 -- William Hazlitt

Truth in Advertising

Change in the Weather
The oddly warm temperatures of the past few weeks have receded into something more seasonable. No snow, just cold rain, but it's still a little easier to get into the holiday spirit now that it no longer feels like September outside. Normally I like warm weather, but day after balmy day in December gets a little weird after awhile.

Speaking of September, today is the three-month anniversary of the attacks on the WTC and the Pentagon. It seems like longer than that, and at the same time not as long, though everything on the other side of time from those attacks seems like it took place in a different world. It's not just the weather that's chilling down -- the political and social climate is getting colder, too. Bundle up.

Pay Attention!
Students at a Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted." The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index finger. Pay attention people!!!"

(Thanks to SuperWavyDavy for this bit of medical humor.)

Thought for the Day
"Strange days have found us."
-- Jim Morrison

Thought for the Day
"The most sacred of the duties of a government [is] to do equal and impartial justice to all its citizens."
-- Thomas Jefferson

Thought for the Day
"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another."
-- Jonathan Swift

The Seventh Sense

Letters to Santa
Deer SaNta,
I wud like a kooL toy spAce Ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud b0y awl yeer.
Yore Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

***

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

***

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

***

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when I'm riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

***

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

***

Dear Santa,
I really really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but it doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

***

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get inside to bring us toys?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Pleasant dreams,
Santa

***

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Of course I don't see and know all those things. But if Bush and Ashcroft get their way, pretty soon the government will.
Sleep well,
Santa

Freedom (De)rider
Power-crazed Reichsführer John Asscrotch -- oops, sorry, I meant to say power-crazed attorney general John Ashcroft -- lashed out at opponents of his innovative new "shred the Constitution" anti-terrorist proclamations yesterday, claiming that civil liberties groups like the ACLU -- and indeed any critics of Bush administration policies -- only give ammunition to our enemies. Since the terrorists want to destroy our freedom and our way of life, the only way to beat them is by destroying our own freedom and way of life first, before they do. That'll show 'em, by golly! And if you think the new laws only apply to swarthy bearded foreigners who like to dress and talk funny, think again. The hangman has come to town, boys and girls, though not everyone sees through his mask yet.

Asscrotch ended his press conference by baring his teeth, hooting loudly, and hurling handfuls of his own feces at Senate Democrats. So the lesson is clear: either you're with the rabid narrow-minded religion-crazed oppressive dogmatic zealots, or you're with the terrorists. Hey, at least we still have freedom of choice... I guess....

Thought for the Day
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
-- Steven Wright

Thought for the Day
"An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise."
-- Victor Hugo

New Kids' Show Explains War to Children

Age Is a State of Mind
I sometimes take lunch at a little Mexican place near 9th Street called the Cosmic Cantina. Good, cheap food and a nice outdoor deck where you can smoke. Normally I wouldn't be sitting outdoors on a December afternoon, but the weather today (and in fact for the past few weeks) was unseasonably sunny and pleasant, though the sunlight felt a bit stronger and harsher than perhaps it should have.

Sometimes these teenaged guys show up there too -- Chris, A.J., and Ben. They're about 15 years old. Today, A.J. and Ben were there. Ben didn't stay very long, but while he was there he showed us this cool watch he found in a field -- it had an engraving on the back, some kind of tree I think, that would show up in the shadow of the watch when you held it at the right angle to the sun. The watch still worked, too. After Ben left, I ended up talking to A.J. for quite some time. We had a most interesting conversation on a wide range of subjects, from Hunter S. Thompson to Alfa Romeo cars.

I realized at some point in the discussion that I was having a more enjoyable time talking to A.J. than I've had talking to some people closer to my own age. It seems like people either "get it" or they don't, and if they do get it, it's often at a fairly early age. Some people have a depth of understanding at 15 that other people don't achieve until 65, if ever. Maturity and chronology have far less to do with one another than it might seem on the surface. It's what's in your head that counts.

Thought for the Day
"Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one."
--Thomas Paine, Common Sense

An Urgent Medical Bulletin

Weather Wise
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

The new Chief was a young man who had been educated in modern society, so he had never been taught the old secrets; and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the young Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

Another Terrorism Drill
According to Tom Ridge, it's time for Americans to go on high alert again (whatever that may involve) because there's more evidence that unspecified terrorists may try to do some unspecified damage at some unspecified location. So what else is new? On the other hand, Osama may have nukes now. So if you see an unexpected mushroom cloud suddenly appear over your city, be sure to tell a policeman right away. Or, if you're really on super-high alert, just have all Muslims arrested. That'll make everything better!

Thought for the Day
"A conservative government is an organized hypocrisy."
-- Benjamin Disraeli

Thought for the Day
"The future comes one day at a time."
 -- Dean Gooderham Acheson