FRI 16 NOV 2001

Another Sign of the Times

Report from the Capital
From our Washington correspondent Matthew comes this report:

November 15, 2001
Washington, DC

Pigs Aloft
Well it's finally happened. The swine have taxied down the runaway and are currently flying in formation at cruising altitude. While much of the liberal left frets about what it means to be on or off the war bus, former Nixon speech writer, architect of the phrase Agnew once used to describe Vietnam-era peaceniks -- "those nattering nabobs of negativism" -- has issued the most scalding rhetoric to date on the Bush administration's wanton suspension of due process. That a voice from the right would pen a piece worthy of the Nation tells us something about the atrocious Orwellian deeds now being done in the name of anti-terror.

What we are seeing in the secret round-up of scores of "terror suspects" is a classic example of the "destroy the village to save the village" mindset that permeates the Ashcroft Justice Department. While many of us believe an aggressive war against terrorism can be waged without napalming the Constitution, we are told that the only way our American system of freedom, justice and the right not to be taken from our bed by the feds and hung from a tree can be preserved is through its thorough evisceration. Attorney-client privilege, impartial juries (or any kind of jury), interrogations sans torture -- say buh-bye to all that. And anyone who raises even a whisper of objection is surely part of the hate-America crowd, a card carrying member of the ACLU, fur sure, or, to hurl the worst insult at us insecure males, a god damn pussy!

No wonder George Bush and ex-KGB commissar Vladimir Putin seem to be giving each other the diplomatic equivalent of the open mouthed kiss. I'm sure they're down in Crawford as we speak, wondering where in Texas one finds a pair of matching jackboots made out of rattlesnake skin.

I'm sitting in the restaurant American Media at the moment, wildly trying to flag down the waiters who roundly ignore me as I cup my hands and holler: "Garçon, more outrage, s'il vous plaît!"

Good thing someone just offered me tickets to tonight's Dylan show.

1901: The Great Glove Mix-Up
About a century ago, a young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after much considerstion he decided upon a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and carefully chose a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties. Without checking the contents he sent the package to his sweetheart with a note attached.

He did not realize that the packages had been switched, and that he had unwittingly sent his girlfriend the pair of panties that her sister had just bought. Imagine his sweetheart's reaction upon opening the box to find the panties, accompanied by the following note:

Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you that I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
Roger
P.S. I understand that the current fashion is to wear them rolled down slightly at the top, so that a little fur shows.

Thought for the Day
"Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol?"
-- W. C. Fields

Like Father, Like Son

The Light of God
Jerry Falwell went in for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. The doctor said, "Jerry, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? I know you're a nationally known preacher, but are you really at peace with yourself? Do you truly feel you have a good relationship with your God?"

Jerry replied, "I've always been close to God! I've got a hotline to God! He's even fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, poof, the light goes on when I pee and then, poof, the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented the Doctor, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day the doctor called Falwell's daughter. "Your father is just fine," he said. "Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the toilet and then, poof, the light goes off?"

Falwell's daughter exclaimed, "Oh, Jesus, he's been pissing in the refrigerator again!"

Another Thing...
Perhaps the most striking difference between TV from ten years ago and TV now, although I hardly noticed it at first -- this is in regard to the old comedy tape we watched the other night -- is the total lack of references to the internet. No email addresses, no world wide web sites, no dot coms. Of course, the internet had been invented by then -- give credit where you will -- but apparently the world was still wating for Al Gates, the inventor of the internet service provider.

Thought for the Day
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history -- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
-- Mitch Radcliffe

Get Your War On!
Subversive comics, courtesy of Witch Hazel.

Thought for the Day
"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
-- Carl Sagan

 New McLaden Sandwich

Comedy Out of Time
Last night we watched an old videotape of some stuff we recorded off Comedy Central a while back -- quite a while back, we realized as we continued to watch. Labeled merely "Comedy 5", it appeared to have originally been taped around Christmas of 1991. Here were some clues:

• There were lots of ads with Christmas/holiday themes (duh!).
• None of the shows had TV ratings.
• There weren't those little network symbols at the bottom of the screen to remind you what channel you're watching.
• People told a lot of Dan Quayle jokes.
• Saturday Night Live did a skit where someone threatened to throw his mother-in-law off the World Trade Center.
• On one commercial, some guy was proudly showing off his new 1992 Buick Imperial.
• Rosie O'Donnell was still thin.

Rainy Day Lover
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was hard at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God -- Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"It's raining out there!" her lover says.

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scooted out of bed as fast as he could, grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others-- about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could, but of course it wasn't very effective. After a little while, a small group of runners who had been studying him with some curiosity jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Thinking quickly, the guy answered, "Only if it's raining!"

Thought for the Day
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."
-- Oscar Wilde

 Sick Leave
Today's updates were canceled due to unexpected illness.

Thought for the Day
"My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition."
-- Indira Gandhi