FRI 26 OCT 2001

Thought for the Day
"There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as 'nutty methods'."
-- Scott Adams

It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It
A candidate for political office discovered that his great-great uncle, Gunther Bushel, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Texas in 1889. The only known photograph of Gunther shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

"Gunther Bushel; horse thief, sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887, robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton Detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

The candidate was concerned that this information might be used against him in the upcoming campaign, and he wanted to head off that possibility. After letting his staff of professional image consultants peruse the findings, the candidate and his advisers decided to crop Gunther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot.

The following accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:

"Gunther Bushel was a famous rancher in early Texas history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Texas railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Gunther passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Thought for the Day
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
-- Woody Allen

 
For fair and balanced news coverage, visit smudgereport.com

Changing Seasons
It's been a warm fall so far, except for a cold snap a few weeks ago -- temperatures here in north central NC today were in the upper 80ºs F (around 30º C), unusually warm for late October, although it's supposed to cool off a bit this weekend. The undergrowth in the woods has died back, the leaves are crunchy underfoot, and the trees are resplendant in their autumn glory. Everything's great, except for the anthrax.

There was an anthrax scare at a Raleigh post office yesterday, but fortunately it tested negative. At least, that's what they're telling us. It's hard to believe much of anything you see in the news anymore. It's been a beautiful fall, but tinged with fear and uncertainty almost from the moment it began -- the first traces of fall weather started in early September. The colors are vibrant against the sky, but they're reflected against a very changed America from the one this time last year.

It's hard to remember sometimes, having grown up in a safe and sheltered time and place, that fear of imminent destruction and disease is a much more normal state of the human condition than the comfort of prolonged peace and prosperity, both throughout history and in many parts of the world right now. Most of the time it lasts perhaps a generation at most, though everyone for some reason seems to think it will go on forever, despite the mass of evidence to the contrary. We've been lucky. We've been pretty much sheltered from foreign attack and epidemic diseases for over 50 years, and though more dangerous times are still within living memory, that's long enough for most of us -- including me -- to have no experience at all with what it's like to live that way. We are not used to feeling death in such close proximity.

Seasons change -- through the year, through our lives, through centuries and millennia. And the leaves turn, and the sand shifts, and suddenly we find ourselves in a very different place than the one we were in before.

Weird, isn't it?

Thought for the Day
"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer."
-- Henry Kissinger

New Hunting License Issued

Our Crazy World
From Shan comes this disturbing news story regarding the FBI's desire to torture reticent suspects in order to extract information from them. Drat those pesky civil liberties! If that rattled your nerves (and it did mine), here's something on a lighter note: known bin Laden associate Bert the Muppet has been implicated in the recent anthrax attacks. And with the economy the way it is, it's good to know that you can still be an evildoer, even if you're on a budget.

12-Pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "What's the 6-pack for?"

The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for..."

Thought for the Day
"Beer. There's a temporary solution."
-- Homer Simpson

Anthrax to Grind
Turns out the deadly anthrax spores might be homegrown after all. So what's the difference between the Taliban and the Army of God? Not much, apparently....

Number Crunching
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy one:

• 12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb;
• 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry;
• 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;
• 34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs;
• 9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs;
• 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb;
• 41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead;
• And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.

Thought for the Day
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office."
-- Robert Frost