FRI 03 AUG 2001

Eye Candy

At the Surrealist Body Painting Convention

Bad News and Good News
The bad news is that updates will continue to be sporadic for a little while. The good news is that in the meantime, there's eye candy at the top of the page.

Thought for the Day
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts -- for support rather than for illumination."
-- Cerebus

Thought for the Day
"After all my time here, I've yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it the right way didn't become still more complicated."
-- Poul Anderson

Code Red Mania
The media is having a feeding frenzy over the Code Red worm, even though it only attacks web servers and isn't nearly as virulent as the SirCam worm that attacked our network last week. McAfee's AVERT service still lists SirCam as a high risk. Code Red was listed as low risk until a few days ago, but now it's not listed as anything.
It seems odd that the media would latch onto Code Red while utterly ignoring SirCam, which reduced one of our computers to such a gibbering heap of nonfunctionality that we finally had to take it outside and shoot it. (Of course, I'm exaggerating. Since our offices are located in downtown Durham, all we had to do was leave the computer outside after work, and during the night somebody else shot it.) Either the media can't tell one virus from another (a distinct possibility) or there's something more sinister involved. Whipping up public fear of "cyberterrorism", perhaps? Or to be even more paranoid about it, explaining internet slowdowns as the result of a virus as a cover-up for what's really going on -- massive installation of communications monitoring software hooked directly to government computers.
And while we're being paranoid here, isn't it interesting that SirCam only went after Windows 95 systems -- the very same OS that Microsoft is currently trying to dump? Far be it from me to insinuate that Bill Gates would stoop so low....

Thought for the Day
"I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people."
-- Dave Barry

Another Visitation
This weekend we were honored by the third visit from a Cager in just two months -- this time none other than the Stick, on his way back to West Virginia after spending a week at Nag's Head. The weather was the same as when the Stick visited us last year -- gray and drizzly, with the temperature hovering just under 70ºF (about 20º C.) We spent most of our time just talking, and as with all good conversations the time went all too quickly. We hope he had a good trip back, although the rain must have been heavy at times. We think the Stick might perhaps be a Rain God, but we're not sure.

The Amazing Parrot
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my prick, silly."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him the president said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Well, maybe... but then he fondled her boobs."

The guy gasps, "He did??"

The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her boobs."

The guy exclaims, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot replies, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

(Thanks to Jim C.!)

Thought for the Day
"Once we decide to be dishonest with our children, our students, or our readers, we have a vested interest in suppressing honesty, in censorship."
-- Walter Kaufmann

Thought for the Day
"By dint of contradictory qualities and hazarded assertions it has, that is to say, so handicapped its God that it has made it impossible for him to act."
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley, The Necessity of Atheism

Thought for the Day
"A gentleman of our days is one who has money enough to do what every fool would do if he could afford it: that is, consume without producing."
-- George Bernard Shaw

Dirty Mind Test

Virus Nightmare
The SirCam virus is loose on our network at work. We think it got in through personal web-based email accounts that people are using from their workstations (which they're not supposed to do).
This is a wicked, evil, naughty virus. It hides in little nooks and crannies of the computer and refuses to be coaxed out, even when offered amnesty and free passage to South America. It appears to actively thwart any attempt to remove it. Anyway, we're having to go around to every single computer in the building (over 100 of them) and manually clean the registries if we can't get the virus scan to run. We'll probably be doing this for the rest of the week. Fun fun fun.

Sleeping in Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem. My husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Thought for the Day
"I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird, and not enough the bad luck of the early worm."
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Stiff Penalty

Thought for the Day
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt."
-- Bertrand Russell

Warning! Horny Buffalo Ahead!

Sex, Science, and the Unbearable
Scientists, it seems, have discovered that sex is for mutants, in that if it weren't for several catastrophic asteroid impacts a few billion years ago we might all still be splitting in two like amoebas. While scientists have been known to advance strange theories from time to time, only a true mutant could get off on something like this. It's just wrong.

Watch Your Language
A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister," he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "Son o...", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

Thought for the Day
"In other words, if our readers understand that they do not understand what they are reading then they must possess an understanding which is superior to the meaning which caused that misunderstanding. Only a sense of humor stands between pain and pleasure. Nothing worth reading can be read."
-- Arlo Guthrie

Thought for the Day
"God not only plays dice, he also sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen."
-- Stephen Hawking

Thought for the Day
"Let no man imagine that he has no influence."
-- Henry George

Personal Observation
We miss many opportunities because we confine ourselves in cages of routine.

Thought for the Day
"The past actually happened, but history is only what someone wrote down."
-- A. Whitney Brown, The Big Picture

Useless Utilities

No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic students in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

The student looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young woman, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little -- relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the student said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously -- I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

Meeting Ronni
Don't ask me why I didn't post this on Monday, since it was a rather major event; I plead temporary amnesia. Or something.
I got to meet Ronni in person in Durham on Sunday afternoon (she was in town for a convention) and we had a really great time. She's even prettier than she looks in her pictures (if that's possible). She's also very articulate, with an air of self-assured maturity that you don't often find in people just a year out of college. We went out to a little bar/Mexican restaurant in the college section of town, where we sat outside and talked a lot and had a beer or two. (Actually, Ronni had one beer, and I had three.) I'm glad her convention brought her so close by -- she's probably on her way back to Oregon by now. In Chinese (I think she said) her name means "Wandering Samuri", which seems strangely appropriate.
Each time I meet someone in person that I've only known previously from cyberspace, they always seem a little bit different from how I imagined them, but also much more full and complete and real. It really adds a new dimension to your mental image of people.

Thought for the Day
"When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it."
-- Clarence Darrow

Thought for the Day
"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."
-- Alfred Adler

All You Need to Know...

Japanese Invasion
Japanese beetles are everywhere this year, and they've been using our garden for a re-enactment of Pearl Harbor. They turn corn, roses, and the leaves of fruit trees into brown filligreed lace. They swarm in the hundreds and thousands, apparently without natural preditors. The only good thing I can say about them is that they also eat kudzu.
We've set a number of traps for them, beetle bags that entice them with biochemical lures. When the bags get full and heavy with dead beetles, they start to smell like rotten meat. I was amazed that dead bugs -- just bugs! -- could smell that bad. No wonder nothing wants to eat them.

Captain Bravado
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier in the day. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but ten pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly ordered, "Get me my brown pants."

Thought for the Day
"The computer can do work faster than a human because it doesn't have to answer the phone."
-- Joey Adams