FRI 13 JUL 2001

Thought for the Day
"Life beats down and crushes the soul, and art reminds you that you have one."
-- Stella Adler

Fun For the Whole Damned Family

Personal Observation
Some people trust religion to the exclusion of reason. Some people trust science to the exclusion of spirituality. But neither religion nor science can adequately explain everything we experience.
Prisons for the mind are available in many fashionable styles these days.

Jesus at the Gates
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"OK," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. Fine."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "So was my dad. Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Thought for the Day
"The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it."
-- Chinese Proverb

Spurious George Goes to Washington

More Weird Search Terms
Search terms from the past week or so that have brought people here:

I've noticed that lots of people come here looking for a gallery of female navel pictures. Perhaps I should start one.

Punctuated Equilibrium
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," the teacher said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Thought for the Day
"You are precisely as big as what you love and precisely as small as what you allow to annoy you."
-- Sigismundo Celine

Fly Like a Beagle

I Need a Bigger Launch Field
On Sunday I lost my second Fat Boy rocket, which was a major drag because it flew well, unlike the first one (see the flight log for details). It rose straight up from the pad and deployed its parachute at a little over 300 feet overhead, then drifted down slowly and majestically into the eastern trees. Perhaps I'll be able to see what unreachably high branches it's stuck in after the leaves fall, but by then it will be weathered and decrepit.

I've already started building two-stagers, and I'm planning to move on to mid-powered rockets soon, so I really need to find a bigger place to launch these birdies. The hay field behind our house is somewhere in-between the size of a baseball field and a football field, which isn't really big enough for anything more than "B" class engines, except for really heavy rockets -- anything that goes much over 300 feet is in some danger of getting eaten by evil trees, and anything above 500 or 600 feet... well, it's probably gone. I don't mind so much if they go off into oblivion becauase something went haywire, but it really sucks to lose a perfectly good rocket just because the recovery field doesn't have quite enough acreage.

No wonder all the major rocketry clubs are out west.

A Day at the Beach
There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely, and totally buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the penis sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other old lady, " There is no justice in the world."

The other old lady said, "What do you mean by that?"

To which the first old lady replied, "Look at that...
When I was 20, I was curious about it...
When I was 30, I enjoyed it...
When I was 40, I asked for it...
When I was 50, I paid for it...
When I was 60, I prayed for it...
When I was 70, I forgot about it...
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild -- and I'm too old to squat!"

(Thanks to Jim C.!)

Thought for the Day
"Truth is stranger than fiction, but that may well be because we have made fiction to suit ourselves."
-- G. K. Chesterton

Microsoft Announces New "Software Assurance" Program

But Will He Show Up in Court?
The other day I came around the curve on highway 501 between Durham and Roxboro and had to slow way down for an accident. There were two cars that had obviously smashed the hell out of each other, and their battered frames were taking up the whole turn lane and protruding into one lane of northbound traffic, which is the way I was going. A kindly 18-wheeler slowed down enough to let me get past, and amidst the shattered glass and crumpled metal and flashing lights and cops talking to the people involved, I noticed that one of the cars had this bumper sticker on it:
"God is my co-pilot."
Maybe the deity was on a cell phone at the time....

Animal Taming for Blondes
A man walks into a bar with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here. It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!"

The man looks around, and notices that everyone is standing on the tables looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cries, "This alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!" However, the bartender is adamant.

"If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?"

"Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "but you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!"

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist, bam, bam, bam. And the alligator rears up on its tail.

"Ralph, open your mouth!" Bam, bam, bam. And the alligator opens its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his penis and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps.

"Ralph! Close your mouth, but don't bite!" Bam, bam,bam. As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops just short of biting the guy's penis off. The crowd sighs, and the man says, "Ralph, open your mouth!" Bam, bam, bam, and the alligator's mouth opens wide again.

"There," says the man to the stunned crowd, "now would anyone else like to try this?"

A blonde in the back stands up. "Yeah, I'll try it mister, but you gotta promise not to hit me so hard on the head!"

Thought for the Day
"The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."
-- Voltaire