SUN 10 JUN 2001

Thought for the Day
"Life is a journey, not a destination."
-- Lori Bolding

Another Prophecy Fulfilled

Update
It's been since November that I've published an explosition, and for a long time I was sure my next one would involve our our generated and veneered leader, George Herbert Hoover Walker Runner Jogger Bush Jr. III Esq. But other people have already done a bang-up job at chronicling the follies and foibles of the current administration, from its inception through its growing list of "accomplishments." So I decided to write about rockets instead.

Finding Jesus
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Thought for the Day
"The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands."
-- Oscar Wilde

Paris in the Spring

This endorsement brought to you by the French Ministry of Tourism.

America Has Lost Its Marbles
A friend of mine mentioned recently that it's next to impossible to find marbles in toy stores anymore, and this seems to be true. I'm not talking about the really old kinds of marbles like aggies and cat's eyes and such -- they've been gone for awhile -- just plain old round glass marbles. Wal-Mart doesn't have them, S & K doesn't have them, even Toyz-R-Expensive doesn't have them. At least you can still buy them on the web. I figure it's a case of some stupid kid somewhere sticking them up his nose and suffocating to death or something, thus ruining the fun for everybody. Judging from all the warning labels plastered on everything these days, it's pretty clear that society in general has lost its marbles, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that they've become a scarce commodity.

Psychology of Drinks
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

• Drink: Beer
  • Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
  • Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
• Drink: Blender Drinks
  • Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
  • Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
• Drink: Mixed Drinks
  • Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
  • Your Approach: You won't have to approach her -- if she's interested, she'll send you a drink.
• Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
  • Personality: Contemporary and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
  • Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
• Drink: White Zinfandel
  • Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
  • Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is (this should be an easy target).
• Drink: Shots
  • Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk -- and naked.
  • Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

• Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
• Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
• Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
• Whiskey: He doesn't give a shit about anything but getting laid.
• Tequila: He doesn't even care who (or what) he gets laid by.
• White Zinfandel: He's gay.

Thought for the Day
"94.5% of all statistics are made up."
-- Woody Allen

Thought for the Day
"Custom is the law of fools."
-- Dale Carnegie

Thought for the Day
"Marriage Ceremony: An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the law being dragged into the affairs of your family."
-- O. C. Ogilvie

Thirsty?

Name that Penis
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita, and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why 'Secret'?"

The customer says, "Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"

Announcement
Creative Dynamix will return to normal shortly, we hope.

Thought for the Day
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
-- Hubert H. Humphrey