FRI 11 MAY 2001

Thought for the Day
"Everything you've learned in school as obvious becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines."
-- R. Buckminster Fuller

What, Me President?

 

Job Application for Fast-Food Establishment
NAME:
Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE
Scorpio with Libra rising.

(©1997 by Greg Bulmash)

Let's Unclutter Our Coinage
Some changes I'd like to see in U.S. coin design:

1. Get rid of the images of dead politicians, which didn't start to appear on our coins until 1909, and go back to a symbolic representation of Lady Liberty for the obverse.
2. Shorten "United States of America" to simply "USA". Everybody in the world knows who we are and what USA stands for.
3. Get rid of "E Pluribus Unum" at least on the smaller coins where it takes up an inordinate amount of space. (I mean, look at the back of the dime, for instance, with "E Pluribus Unum" crammed in and broken up between the torch and the branches. Ugh.) On larger coins, consider putting it around the edge, as on the St. Gaudens double eagle.
4. Put the value in arabic numerals rather than writing it out (e.g., "10¢" instead of "one dime"; "25¢" instead of "quarter dollar," etc.)
5. Do away with the motto "In God We Trust." I tend to agree with Teddy Roosevelt that it cheapens the name of the deity to place it on something as worldly as money, and the government's not supposed to advocate religion anyway. I'd like to see the motto replaced by "Live Free or Die," which comes much closer to capturing the original American spirit.

Of course, any legislator suggesting such changes, especially the last one, would be committing political suicide. Ah well, maybe someday, when the country's recovered its soul....

Thought for the Day
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
-- Groucho Marx

THEM
The Five Orders of Discordia ("THEM")
Gen. Pandaemonium, Commanding

The seeds of the Orders of Discordia were planted by Greyface into his early disciples. They form the skeleton of the Aneristic Movement, which overemphasizes the Principle of Order and is antagonistic to the necessary compliment, the Principle of Disorder. The Orders are composed of persons all hung up on authority, security and control; i.e., they are blinded by the Aneristic Illusion. They do not know that they belong to Orders of Discordia. But we know.

1. The Military Order of The Knights of the Five-Sided Temple. This is for all the soldiers and bureaucrats of the world.
2. The Political Order of The Party for War on Evil. This is reserved for lawmakers, censors, and like ilk.
3. The Academic Order of The Hemlock Fellowship. They commonly inhabit schools and universities, and dominate many of them.
4. The Social Order of The Citizens Committee for Concerned Citizens. This is mostly a grass-roots version of the more professional military, political, academic and sacred Orders.
5. The Sacred Order of The Defamation League. Not much is known about the D.L., but they are very ancient and quite possibly were founded by Greyface himself. It is known that they now have absolute domination over all organized churches in the world. It is also believed that they have been costuming cabbages and passing them off as human beings.

A person belonging to one or more Order is just as likely to carry a flag of the counter-establishment as the flag of the establishment -- just as long as it is a flag.

Don't let THEM immanentize the Eschaton.
HIP-2-3-4, HIP-2-3-4
Go To Your Left-Right....

(From the Principia Discordia)

Wrapped Up Like a Douche, Another Boner in the Night
Song lyrics aren't always easy to understand, but when I'm trying to figure them out I assume they make at least a tiny bit of sense. Not so for some people, who have interpreted song lyrics in all sorts of bizarre ways (e.g., "On a dark desert highway/Cool Whip in my hair..."). All sorts of hilarious misheard lyrics can be found at amiright.com, conveniently sorted by song, artist, and decade. There's bathroom on the right!

Thought for the Day
"A person's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

This map courtesy of Tom J.

Southern-Baptist-Approved Nicknames for Breasts

1. Democrat Catchers
2. NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)
3. Pastor Baiters
4. Mounds of Shame
5. Heavenly Canteens
6. Pearly Weights
7. Hooteronomies
8. Pizza Pizza
9. Sweater Undulations
10. The Daughters of Lactiticus
11. Racks of Lambs of God
12. Communion Woofers
13. First and Second Mammalonians
14. Pamela 36:D
15. Beelzeboobs

Thought for the Day
"Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty- five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."
-- Denis Leary

Jesus of the Week For a look at the many hypothetical faces of Jesus, try J2K1, a site specializing in visual representations of the Christian saviour. A wide array of Jesi (or "Jesii") are presented, including Touchdown Jesus, Barbie Jesus, and Jesus on an Emu, to name just a few. No matter who you are or where you come from, you're sure to find a Jesus that's right for you. Even if you're a raver.

Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick!

There is Nothing Like a Dane
On Sunday afternoon, Ruthie and I went to see Hamlet at Theatre in the Park in Raleigh. It was an interesting interpretation -- modernized to a degree, with the players in 20th-century clothing from no specific decade. The palace guards carried pistols and cell phones, and Claudius made his opening remarks via closed-circuit television. Nonetheless, it maintained the integrity of the original, and was quite effective at making the play accessible to modern audiences. The lead was played by a young man in his early or mid-twenties (it appeared), who portrayed the most expressive Hamlet I've ever seen -- angry, disillusioned, full of emotion and angst. My old dear friend Steve, whom I've known since college, played the part of Rosencrantz most admirably. As Hamlet's old school buddies, Rosencrantz and Gildenstern were cast as "party animals," smoking and drinking, laughing enthusiastically and raising general hell -- a welcome comic relief to the tragedy unfolding around them. We enjoyed it immensely, as did the rest of the audience. Apparently the cast had only had one walk-out during the entire production run -- last week some old gentleman left at intermission complaining about revisionism -- and though I was a bit skeptical of the "updating" at first myself, it succeeded fully in capturing the soul of the play. Shakespeare lives.

Happy Birthday
Ruthie's birthday was Saturday (she returned from Baltimore on Friday, at long last). I bought her a pair of earrings, and took her out to the antique store where she picked out an old wooden Chinese letter box with a brass lock and little Chinese characters all over the inside. She loves little boxes like that. What, how old is she, you ask? Twenty-five, of course -- same as always.

Thought for the Day
"If little else, the brain is an educational toy."
-- Tom Robbins