FRI 04 MAY 2001

Canada Redesigns Currency

The Canadian government hopes this new currency design will help promote tourism.

Helpful Cops
Recently, everyone in the company I work for received the following email:

The majority of crimes that take place downtown involve "smash and grab" where a thief sees something of value in a car, smashes the window, takes the item and runs. Often we don't even think about a leaving a cup full of change on the console or a cell phone on the seat while we run inside a building on an errand. The Central Police District officers are undertaking a new crime prevention campaign to alert citizens when we make error in judgment. The COPS officers and bike patrol will be leaving warnings on the windshields of parked cars that look especially inviting for crooks. The bright yellow warnings will detail the time and place your car was spotted and what conditions or circumstances made your car a potential target of crime. Kudos to Capt. Mangum and his team for keeping us safe and on our toes!

So the cops are going use bright yellow stickers to mark cars in the parking lot that are "especially inviting for crooks." Thanks, cops. I imagine their next helpful project will be marking houses that are easy to burglarize with a large red "X".

Pope Issues Apology
In a moving and timely display of compassion, Pope John Paul II publicly apologized yesterday for the sacking of Constantinople by Crusaders in the year 1204. Some consider this the Pope's most significant expression of regret since 1992, when he officially absolved Galileo for the heretical assertion that the earth might orbit the sun. That pardon took only about 350 years, as opposed to nearly 800 for the Constantinople apology.
Survivors of the Constantinople sacking could not be reached for comment.

Thought for the Day
"My doctor says that I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes."
-- Ford Prefect

How to Offend a Lot of Different People At Once

Surreal Soaps
For soap-opera write-ups with a twist, surf on over to Yak Butter Sandwich. It doesn't seem to have much to do with yaks, or butter, or sandwiches, but it is funny. And weird.

Playing Trains
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room, and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Thought for the Day
"I believe that every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
-- Neil Armstrong

Jesus, as Described in the Book of Armaments

 
Jesus wants you to visit stileproject.com.
You wouldn't argue with Jesus, would you?

Are You a Porn Addict?
If you think you're getting too much sex in your diet, you can find out if it's a problem by taking this quiz (and if you're not yet an adult who's traveled around the sun 18 times or more, or if your community standards prohibit the display of normal healthy body parts, please leave now, you naughty child, and find some place more suitable). My favorite questions are the one about masturbating while driving -- it goes a long way toward explaining the maneuvers of certain cars on the bypass -- and the one about digging through other people's garbage for whack-off material (obviously this question is from the pre-internet days, before everybody's garbage was everybody's else's garbage). If you don't think you're sufficiently addicted to erotic visual stimuli, try checking out some of the numerous free sites like FlashMountain, ILoveBacon, or plain old public nudity. Then take the quiz again. Repeat as necessary.

Home Alone
Ruthie's up in Baltimore this week visiting her family, leaving me to fend for myself. The first couple of nights were kind of relaxing, making me feel almost like a bachelor again -- hanging out, drinking beer, staying up too late playing computer games. After awhile, though, the single life gets to be a drag. There's nobody to talk to when you get home from work, except for the cats, and their conversational abilities only go so far. I've managed to keep my clothes fairly clean, but I haven't made the bed since Saturday. And I really miss Ruthie's cooking. I can cook a few basic things, but I have a very limited repetoire and I don't really like to cook, so I've been eating out more often to stave off malnutrition. Of course, I can always crank up the stereo and dance around the living room naked, but hell, I can do that when Ruthie's around too. When she gets back I'm going to take her out for nice big dinner. I'm sure she'll appreciate it, and I imagine I'll be awfully hungry for a real meal by then myself.

Thought for the Day
"A faith-holder puts himself below his faith and lets it guide his actions. The fanatic puts himself above it and uses it as an excuse for his actions."
-- Gordon R. Dickson

Thought for the Day
"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."
-- Antonio Smith