FRI 27 APR 2001

Thought for the Day
"Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true."
-- Henry Kissinger

Pass It On...

Digital Poo
As if there weren't already enough time-wasting material on the internet to keep all of humanity goofing off for the next thousand years, you can now visit the Virtual Dog Shit Creator and design your own pile of canine excrement. Select from variables like consistency, density, temperature and viscosity to build a turd you can truly call your own. VDSC Labs -- the next best thing to being a dog!

Last Rites
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left.

The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late.

The hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

Thought for the Day
"The censors say they're protecting the family unit in America, when the reality is, if you suck a tit, you're an X, but if you cut it off with a sword, you're a PG."
-- Jack Nicholson

Thought for the Day
"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe."
-- H. G. Wells

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Jesus Sees You
A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip. That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"

Startled, the burglar snarls back, "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma.

Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top.

Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!"

How to Stay Sane in an Insane World

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Insist that your e mail address is god@heaven.org or satan@hades.net.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
7. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
8. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Sexual Favors."
9. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
10. dont use any punctuation
11. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
12. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
13. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
14. Sing along at the opera.
15. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
16. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
17. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
18. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
19. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! Third time this week!!!"
20. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
21. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
22. Send the address of this website to everyone you know.

(This list brought to you by SuperWavyDavy.)

Thought for the Day
"God is more like gravitation than embarassment."
-- Mary Hesse, Forces and Fields

Escape from Monday

You Know You're A Homeowner When...
You drop $1600 on a John Deere lawn tractor -- and like it. I mention this because I just did. We have an acre of yard, and push mowers just don't (so to speak) cut it. Spring is upon us, and the grass is growing madly. The first cut of the year always smells like onions.

Thought for the Day
"There was a Door to which I found no key
There was a Veil past which I could not see."
-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam