SUN 15 APR 2001

Thought for the Day
"Choconiverous: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first."
-- anonymous daffy-nition

Happy Good Friday the 13th
So does that mean it's not unlucky? Or what???

Thought for the Day
"She really wasn't my type -- a hard-looking, untalented reporter for the local cat-box liner; but the first second that that third-rate representative of the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of old Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and while humming The Twelfth of Never, I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth."
-- William Buddy Ocheltree

THU 12 APR 2001

Colors for the Blue Those with low serotonin levels may want to check out the Museum of Depressionist Art. The site includes numerous paintings from various historical periods, along with informative and enlightening commentary. Don't forget your meds! (A tip of the cyberhat to mjs for finding this entertaining and educational site.)

Still Life with Prozac

 Breaking News: National Parks to Burn
WASHINGTON - Calling his earlier decisions to repeal CO2 and arsenic standards "small potatoes," President Bush today unveiled a new energy plan that he said would "reenergize" America. Step one: Burn our national parks to the ground.

"In this time of need, America should take advantage of its most precious natural resource: nature," the President said in remarks to the Republican National Committee. "Setting ablaze such untapped fuel sources as Yosemite, Grand Teton, and Yellowstone will provide heat and light to surrounding areas for days, perhaps even weeks, at almost no cost."

Bush further noted that the estimated 200 billion tons of smoke and ash will "blanket the country in a glorious shield, protecting us from the damaging rays of the sun. This will keep air conditioner bills down through the following summer."

But Bush also warned that Americans couldn't just rely on Government to make the energy crisis go away. "Individuals will all have to do their parts," stated the president. "I, personally, plan to conserve Presidential energy by sleeping more and working less."

Thanks to besmirched_2000 for this news update.

How to Mess with Fundies' Minds
"Plant some festering weirdness in their heads that will linger like the odor of a diseased turd." Here's one way to do it....

Thought for the Day
"April diverts our attention from life's inevitabilities and focuses it on the potentialities. In April, if the glands still work properly, it is possible to see the world as it might be if only it were not the world."
-- Russell Baker

Thought for the Day
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer and wish we didn't."
-- Erica Jong

How to Deal with Annoying Telemarketers

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. This works great if you are male. Annoying Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?" Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could possibly know you from. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?" If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?" After the Annoying Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. Tell the Annoying Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is an Annoying Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up. Tell the AnnoyingTelemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. Tell the Annoying Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. Tell the Annoying Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes." Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder.... Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down. Notice: The above have all been tested and approved for use on annoying telemarketers. No animals other than telemarketers were harmed in the testing.

Thought for the Day
"The most pathetic person in the world is a person who has sight but has no vision."
-- Helen Keller

Kids Say the Darndest Things

How's Your Insurance Coverage?
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.

The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.

As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

Chinese, Japanese, Whatever...
Best comment on the standoff with China so far:

"China is a country that we obviously need to monitor. I think that all I have to say is Pearl Harbor."

-- "Elliott", on an internet forum

Thought for the Day
"Time is merely an illusion, except on a Monday morning."
-- J. H. Goldfuss