SUN 08 APR 2001

Thought for the Day
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS.)"
-- bumper sticker

FRI 06 APR 2001

How Would Jesus Eat? The Jesus Diet promises to change the way you look at eating. And not eating. So breathe deeply, go with the flow, and have a nice relaxing colonic. You'll be losing weight before you can say "Hallelujah!" (Thanks to Sandy!)

Jesus (artist's conception)

Adam's Gifts
One day God spoke to Adam, saying, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

Adam replied, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Goodbye Geese
As the weather warms and the fruit trees flower, the Canada geese that have been visiting their white-feathered southern cousins for the last couple of months are taking to the air once again. They flew over the house this morning in their classic V-formation, honking loudly on their way back to the Great White North. Now we could just get certain other displaced northerners in the area to do the same....

Thought for the Day
"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries."
-- A. A. Milne

Thought for the Day
"Living in the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causes you to bump into people not going your way."
-- Edna Ferber

Pink Floyd Groupies

Countries Most Pissed Off at the US Today
China
Russia
North Korea
France
England
Germany
Japan
Bosnia
Iraq
Afghanistan
Syria
Yemen
(List subject to change without notice.)

Ghosts of Presidents Past
George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington's ghost.

Bush asked the ghost, "President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn't sleep well, and later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," Jefferson answered.

Bush still couldn't sleep well, and much later he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."

Thought for the Day
"If you see a snake, just kill it -- don't appoint a committee on snakes."
-- H. Ross Perot

Music Anti-Piracy Campaign Intensifies

Spaced Out Connection
My connection to the internet has been intermittant the last couple of days. I blame solar flares.

Conversation Overheard at the Waffle House
"I used to get home every night in time to watch Gunsmoke on channel 5."
"Too many channels now...."
"Now it's all in somebody's apartment."
"Them 'sit-coms'...."
"It don't matter how many channels you got if there ain't nothin' on."
"It's all that secondary shit, too...."
"Yep."
"Like the language and situations."
"Yep."
"You know there's some cartoon on with a half cat, half dog?
"You mean a cross between a cat and a dog?"
"No, half of it's a cat, and the other half's a dog."
"That ain't right."
"My four-year-old granddaughter...."
"How's Edna?"
"She's fine. But my granddaughter...."
"She alright?"
"Well, she's picking up this shit from somewhere, and I think it's the T-V."

Thought for the Day
"Love, friendship, respect, do not unite people as much as a common hatred of something."
-- Anton Chekhov

New Logo Adopted by GreenPeace

Farmer's Daughters
There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck..."

And the farmer shot him.

Celebrate the Mundane
Today's features: potato appreciation, saving our endangered traffic cones, and the frustrations of food service.

Thought for the Day
"All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions."
-- Adlai Stevenson