SUN 01 APR 2001

Fooling Ourselves
It is somehow appropriate that the biannual time change falls on April Fools Day this year. Each spring and fall, we Americans semi-voluntarily mess with our body clocks by setting our clocks forward or back an hour, as the season dictates. As far as I can tell, this has no effect on the total hours of daylight in any given day. However, it does seem to help maintain that unpredictable and vaguely off-center mindset that keeps us held in such high regard by other members of the international community.

Thought for the Day
"We grant God the possession of all the qualities of mind except the one that keeps the others healthy; that watches over their dignity; that focuses their vision true -- humor."
-- Mark Twain

Thought for the Day
"After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one."
-- Cato the Elder

Death Sucks

For Naughty Mormons Only
From the pages of Playelder Magazine come these words of divine guidance:

I strive to follow the words of Christ and clothe the naked. This doctrine is best practiced at establishments going by names of "Centerfolds" or "Heart Breakers". I feel rather Christlike in my own special way when I enter one of these establishments and am immediately confronted with all the nakedness that should be clothed. The best way to practice the words of Jesus in this instance is to casually invite one of the naked to join you in a corner. Once there, she proceeds to demonstrate the fact that she is indeed naked and in need of clothing. Yep, she is naked, all right. Clothing is in order here. I will help her as soon as she is done "demonstrating" her nakedness. Since there is relatively little clothing to be had here, the next best thing is to give the naked alms with which they may buy clothes to cover themselves. Then you go on to the next naked one and proceed to ascertain her degree of nakedness and offer up some alms that she might clothe herself as well.
In spite of what you might think, my concern for the naked is Christlike and I shall be rewarded as a good and faithful servant for it.

Growing Up
A little girl is taken to the beauty parlor for the very first time. Now, some girls like this sort of thing; others, like boys getting their first haircut, are disturbed or frightened. So, to make sure she stays reasonably happy, her mother hands the little girl a snack cake once she's seated in the beautician's chair.
"Honey, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie," warns the hairdresser.
"I know!" replies the little girl excitedly. "I'm gonna grow boobies, too!"

Displaced Dream
Yesterday a friend of mine posted a long message to a forum regarding the difficulties he was experiencing with a certain statistics class. Last night, I dreamed I was in that class myself, and since I know nothing of statistics in real life, I knew nothing of it in the dream, either. I sometimes have dreams about not having studied for a French or math exam, but I had never dreamed about being in a class that someone else was taking. The prof, who appeared to be from India, spoke about several incomprehensible things and then started handing out tests, at which point I got so freaked out I woke up.

Thought for the Day
"You can't hold a man down without staying down with him."
-- Booker T. Washington

Thought for the Day
"The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it."
-- Abbie Hoffman

Who Named This Business?

Hope this isn't a restaurant....

Oblivious Employee of the Month
From Scotty comes this shocking tale of supermarket checkout subnormality:

I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....

Kind of makes you wonder how some people get by from day to day, doesn't it?

Surreal and Creative Voice Mail Options
If you call toll-free to 1-800-935-3527, you'll reach the voice menu of a company called DSLi. The voice menu sounds completely ordinary until you get to the end (if you're impatient, just choose option 8). The most interesting of the next set of options is, of course, option 2. (Thanks to the Stick for this timely telephone tip.)

Thought for the Day
"Man has such a predilection for systems and abstract deductions that he is ready to distort the truth intentionally, he is ready to deny the evidence of his senses only to justify his logic."
-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

More Nuclear Secrets Compromised

Another Stupid Criminal
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

Search Terms Growing More Risqué
Last week I listed another installment of strange search terms that have led people to my site. Here's yet another list. Considering that "enema nozzles" and "nude weathergirls" continue to generate hits, it would appear that the search terms are growing more sexual in nature. Some examples:

In order to achieve maximum audience appeal, I'm planning to post an article in the near future dealing with groin-groping, nude hippie weather gnomes with multiple navel piercings who travel through time with Frank Zappa in order to indulge their medical fetish for enema nozzles and transsexualism. Or something.

Thought for the Day
"The unnatural, that too is natural."
-- J.W. Goethe