SAT 24 MAR 2001

Thought for the Day
"I don't even know what street Canada is on."
-- Al Capone

Sneak Preview of Arkansas State Quarter

Proposed design for Arkansas State Quarter, due for release in 2003.

Speaker Prices
I bought a new pair of stereo speakers this afternoon because my old pair finally gave up the ghost after 16 years of loyal service. I found it interesting that the shelf prices listed how much the speakers cost apiece even though they're generally purchased in pairs, are displayed on the shelf in pairs, and come two to a box so you couldn't buy just one speaker even if you wanted to. But the price on the shelf is the price per speaker. Maybe the store thinks it makes the merchandise look less expensive. Meanwhile the customer is thinking, "Hmmm... let me double this price...."

Help for Beer Drinkers
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Thought for the Day
"The four points of the compass are logic, knowledge, wisdom, and the unknown. Some do bow in that final direction. Others advance upon it. To bow before the one is to lose sight of the three. I may submit to the unknown, but never to the unknowable."
--Roger Zelazny, Lord of Light

The Tolkien Sarcasm Page

If you're a fan of J.R.R. Tolkien, you're sure to enjoy this lighthearted takeoff on the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The material is presented as a supplement to the trilogy itself, including such items as Saruman's diary, a rather warped electronic text version of the books, and a page of Tolkien Crackpot Theories. Ai! Ai!

Microsoft TV Dinner 2000
Instructions for Microsoft TV Dinner Product
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner under their new operating system. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Messy, Messy, Messy!
This girl likes to be covered with glop. Why?

Thought for the Day
"It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so, and will follow it by suppressing opposition, subverting all education to seize early the minds of the young, and by killing, locking up, or driving underground all heretics."
--Robert A. Heinlein, Postscript to Revolt in 2100

Thought for the Day
"It would be easier to pay off our national debt overnight than to neutralize the long range effects of our national stupidity."
-- Frank Zappa

Solar Eclipse

Solar eclipse, December 25, 2000

I realize this photo is several months old by now, but I just received it today, so here it is. I wasn't able to see the eclipse very well myself at the time, but a friend of mine took the spectacular photo above, scanned it, and emailed a copy to me. Thanks, Stick! 

The George W. Bush Discount Plan
Looking for savings in these economically confusing times? When you're out shopping, take advantage of the George W. Bush discount. You will need unmitigated gall and several accomplices. Here's how it works.

Load up with all sorts of items that you want and take them to the checkout. When the clerk gets to an item that will not scan on the first attempt say, petulantly, "My brother says that all these items are mine."

The clerk will insist on rescanning the item. Look bored and incredulous that anybody could be so incompetent as the clerk tries unsuccessfully to scan the item. Turn to the people in line behind you and say, "Can you believe this is taking so long?"

At this point, the clerk will attempt to enter the bar code information by hand. Insist loudly that the item is yours and that since it didn't scan after two attempts, it must be free. Get so worked up that your face starts to break out.

The clerk will still attempt to enter the bar code. At this point, bring forward your first accomplice who will introduce herself as the Secretary of Bar Code Scanning and say to the clerk, "I'll give you two seconds to enter that bar code. Ready... Set... Times up!"

The clerk will probably call for the manager, and the two of them will insist on manually entering the bar code into the cash register. Have dozens of your accomplices run to the media talking about possible mistakes and mischief that could arise from manually entering the bar code. Raise questions such as, "How can I make sure the price is being entered fairly when the clerk works for the owner?" Say, "These items have been scanned and rescanned. They just want to keep entering bar codes until they get the total they want."

At this point, the owner might try to take you to court to get some more time to manually enter the bar code. He's really playing right into your hands.

While he's getting a time extension from the court, call the office of Congressman Tom DELAY and ask him to send down a couple of henchmen to lead a crowd of angry demonstrators into the store to shout and bang on the doors.

Simultaneously, file an appeal with the Supreme Court asking the highest court in the land to bring a halt to all manual entry of bar codes.

In the midst of this confusion, have your first accomplice declare that all the items are legally yours and that if the owner doesn't like it, he can take you to court. The owner will now have to drive to the state capital to file a lawsuit in which he will ask the judge to manually enter the bar code of the item that would not scan. Invite some celebrities over for a photo op and announce that you'll share the items with them once the items are found to be rightfully yours.

Meanwhile in court, the owner will ask the judge to transfer the item from the checkout line to the courtroom. Have your lawyer tell the judge that that is simply not enough, that the judge needs to move the entire inventory from the store lock, stock and barrel to his courtroom.

When the owner contemplates that this will tie up all his merchandise till well after the holidays, he will surely give up. But just to be safe, have the legislature pass a law giving the entire store to you.

Some people will tell you that you won't enjoy the goodies you've thus obtained because they are not really yours.

Morons!

(Thanks to an alert co-worker for this one.)

Equinox
Today is the first day of spring, but it doesn't feel like it. We've had springlike weather on and off over the last month or so, but today it's rainy and raw and about 40°F (5° C). I'm really looking forward to warmer weather so I can go barefoot and still be comfortable. Shoes are for horses....

Thought for the Day
"The atheist staring from his attic window is often nearer to God than the believer caught up in his own false image of God."
-- Martin Buber

MON 19 MAR 2001

The March of Science With pet cloning on the near horizon, bereavement over lost cats and dogs may soon be a thing of the past. Soon you and your family and the generations a-comin' can enjoy faithful Rover -- over and over! And if they can do this with pets, can human cloning be far behind? If mating becomes obsolete, will it expand the market for mechanical orgasmatrons? Meanwhile, the Japanese (who else?) have invented a fart detector. Sometimes I think humans are too smart for their own good. Except for the numerous occasions when they're too stupid for their own good.

I actually get a fair number of hits from people looking for "female navel" and related terms. Omphalophiles, especially those into navel rings, may wish to peruse the Female Navel Piercing Gallery at Rings of Desire and the navel portfolio at Piercing Exquisite.

The Pentabarf
Speaking of hot dogs...

The Pentabarf was discovered by the hermit Apostle Zarathud in the Fifth Year of The Caterpillar. He found them carved in gilded stone, while building a sun deck for his cave, but their import was lost for they were written in a mysterious cypher. However, after 10 weeks & 11 hours of intensive scrutiny he discerned that the message could be read by standing on his head and viewing it upside down.

Know Ye This O Man of Faith!

1. There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.
2. A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.
3. A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).
4. A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.
5. A Discordian is Prohibited from Believing What he reads.

   IT IS SO WRITTEN! SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED.

   Or, if you prefer, try this alternate set of completely immutable laws.

   Test Question from Topanga Cabal The Twelve Famous Buddha Minds School: "If they are our brothers, how come we can't eat them?"

Thought for the Day
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
-- Hunter S. Thompson