SUN 18 MAR 2001

Hot Dogs, Armour Hot Dogs... What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs? Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks; tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox love hot dogs -- Armour hot dogs! The dog kids love to biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite!

One day recently a co-worker starting singing that old hot dog commercial from the early '70s, and it's been stuck in my brain ever since. I've been walking around at work humming it to myself, waking up at night with it running through my head, and generally going nuts because it keeps creeping back into my mind even though I really don't want it to. I think the military should consider using it as a psychological weapon against foreign dictators. Just beam that old Armour hot dog commercial straight into Saddam's wide-screen TV, over and over, until he's completely debilitated. After a few days he won't be able to say or think anything except hot dogs... Armour hot dogs....

I figure the Armour people were trying to come up with something really catchy to compete with the ever-popular Oscar Meyer weiner song, and on that count they succeeded. But they could never make that commercial today. It's far too politically incorrect. "Fat" kids? No way. "Sissy" kids? Don't even think about it.

Except I couldn't stop thinking about it, and a politically correct Armour hot dog commercial began forming itself in my mind. "Horizontally gifted children, horizontally challenged children, children who engage in potentially dangerous activities like rock-climbing but only while wearing proper safety equipment; children with aggression-oriented behavioral differences, children who reject traditional male gender roles, even children who suffer from varicella, also known as chicken pox, love hot dogs...."

Except they might not love hot dogs, because hot dogs are usually made of a motley blend of ground beef and pork parts that not only throws vegetarians into spasms but also manages to violate the dietary tenets of most major world religions simultaneously. At this point it would all become so complicated that the company would decide to just make a different commercial. I wish they had, because then I wouldn't have that stupid Armour hot dog song stuck in my head.

Thought for the Day
Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Thought for the Day
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx

Direct Sign Language

Leaving Work Early
These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. So the two men left also. One offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs. When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door. He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still there and he was. His friend asked, "I thought you were headed home?"
The man replied, "I did, but this is the last time I ever leave work early again."
His friend asked, "Why's that?"
The man replied, "I almost got caught by the boss."

Loonies on Parade
The following three examples represent increasingly severe stages of religio-political conspiratorial paranoia. First, we have the numerological loonie, who proves to us beyond a shadow of a doubt that the world will end in 1998. Second, we have the end-times fundamentalist loonie, who is very concerned about the upcoming merger of the United States and Russia. Finally, we have the totally off-the-wall paranoid loonie, who appears to have lost touch with reality entirely.
(Don't let this happen to you! Go here to find out how to protect yourself!)

Thought for the Day
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time, and it annoys the pig."
-- old Southern proverb

Tech Support

 
Screenshot of Compaq FAQ2859 (click to view full-size).

The above image is a screenshot of what appears to be a webpage at Compaq's site. Notice that this is a "frequently asked question." As someone who works in tech support, all my worst fears are now confirmed. Unfortunately, it appears to be gone now -- when I typed in the web address visible in the larger image, I got this:

A basic search with their highly user-unfriendly search engine turned up nothing either. So now I'm not entirely if it's a real screen shot (which it certainly appears to be), or an extremely well-executed fake. But either way, it's extremely funny and, in its own way, terrifying as well. Thanks to a fellow tech support front-liner for passing this on.

The Meaning of Bravery
Two generals, one from the Army, and one from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Marines general about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Bravery, nothing," snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma,' put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "FUCK YOU, SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

More Bizarre Referrals
A little while back I listed some bizarre search terms that directed people to my site when they typed these terms into search engines. "Enema nozzles" is still going strong, and has been joined by these other odd search parameters:

Where did all those penises come from?

Thought for the Day
"There is no way to make vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing."
-- P. J. O'Rourke

TUE 13 MAR 2001

You've Got Spam! If you're like most people these days, you've probably eaten Spam at some point in your life. Now Creative Dynamix presents (in its usual timely manner) a government study that reveals the awful truth about where this "lunch meat" actually comes from. (Hint: it's not from your email, even though there's probably a lot of spam there too.) Keep your Pepto-Bismol handy!

What's Your Religion?
Find out here! (I had no idea that I was a Mahayana Buddhist...)

Please Phrase Your Answer Carefully
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and God tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asks God.

"He's part of a supporting wall somewhere in New York City."

Thought for the Day
"There's no garbage in California. That's because they turn it into television shows."
-- Woody Allen

Mojo Turns One

Mojo, one year old today, attacks his birthday hat.

Our cat Mojo turned one today. We made him a little hat that says "Mojo is One" so we could take his picture and humiliate him on the internet (as so many people seem to like to do with their pets these days), but he refused to wear it. He attacked it at first, and then ran away from it. So his birthday present, in addition to a few extra kitty treats, is not having to wear the stupid hat. I think he appreciates that, whether he knows it's his birthday or not.

I Don't Love New York The New York quarter has been out since January, but I've yet to get one in change. Just as well, really -- I think it's the least original design since Pennsylvania's 1999 release. The Statue of Liberty is attractive, but the whole state outline approach has gotten really tired. At least it's a relief map. North Carolina quarters are due for release next week.

New York Quarter

Unlikely Combinations
Some combinations of words sound downright odd. What's even more odd is when the combinations they refer to actually exist. For example, gay nazis, feminist strippers, and the NRA Christian Bible Choir.

Count the Votes
George W. Bush, John Ashcroft, and Kathrine Harris go fishing on the lake by Dubya's ranch. While speeding across the lake they hit a tree trunk which cracks a hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat starts to sink so they look for life preservers and find only one.

George W. Bush says: "I'm the President selected by the Supreme Court. The people need me to protect the nation from the new world order and the growth of the new economy and computers and such."

John Ashcroft says: "I'm the Attorney General and as the nations's chief law enforcement officer I must live so that there will be no fear or panic in the streets, if you two shall die. And besides I have to outlaw abortion, affirmative action, campaign finance reform, environmental protection, and same sex marriages to save the moral fiber of this country."

Finally, Kathrine Harris says: "I'm the Florida Secretary of State and the state Republican Chairwoman, and I must survive so that I can deliver the votes needed by all the Republican officials throughout the state, and disenfranchise those minorities who vote for Democrats, so that Republicans may continue to be elected even though more people vote for Democrats."

The three of them all agree that each has very good and moral arguments for the life preserver, so they decide to take a vote. They cut up three squares of paper and vote by secret ballot. Then they open the ballots to tally them. The first ballot says "George W. Bush - one vote," the second ballot says "John Ashcroft - one vote", and the third ballot says "Kathryn Harris - 37 votes."

Thought for the Day
"Everything not forbidden is compulsory."
-- new Bush administration policy