FRI 02 MAR 2001

Thought for the Day
"If you work in marketing -- kill yourself. No, but seriously. If you are, do."
-- Bill Hicks

Food for Thought

Thanks to Faerie for this appetizing photo.

Getting a Boner
According to this report, an Australian woman has sued a butcher for $4500 for selling her a bone carved into the shape of a penis. She was awarded the claim on the basis of "sexual harassment". What burns my buns about this kind of thing is the absurd broadening of the term "sexual harassment" to include laughable situations such as this one. Sexual harassment means, or should mean, someone in a position of authority who uses that position to coerce a subordinate into unwanted sexual activities or situations. A bone has no authority, nor can it coerce. Some people might find a bone carved in this way to be offensive or tasteless, but offensiveness does not equal harassment, nor does lack of taste. The worst part of all this is that stretching the definition of harassment in this way only trivializes the experience of those who have really and truly been sexually harassed. Applying the serious charge of harassment to the merely objectionable does a great disservice to those who actually have legitimate claims, and ultimately undermines public sympathy for the issue. And that's a damn shame.

What Goes Around Comes Around
A Charlotte, NC, man purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, and insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason -- that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued... and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires".

But wait -- there's more.

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

(From the Legal Times)

Thought for the Day
"A good bureaucracy is the best tool of oppression ever invented."
-- Frank Herbert

Beer vs. Tea
Which is better for you...

OR

?

According to William Cobbett's Cottage Economy (1822), beer wins hands down.

The Dog, The Leopard, and the Monkey
A wealthy man decides to go on a safari in Africa. He takes his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he's lost. As he's wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." He notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, a look of terror on his face, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who's been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. The dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

Just as they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

(Thanks to mjs!)

Train Signs
While driving to work this morning, we found ourselves traveling alongside a freight train. On one of the cars was this notice: "Do not use vibrator on hopper body." On the same car was another notice that read, in part, "Clean inside gooves". What is a "goove"? Is it like a groove, or is it something else? Another freight car had a sign on it that said: "Do Not Hump - Fragile". Must be train talk....

Thought for the Day
"There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge."
-- Bertrand Russell

Party On, Wayne...

Typical Mardi Gras Revelers

Free Press
Tired of Drudge? Get Smudge!

Ask Doctor Shiftkey
This anonymously contributed question and answer session should be particularly enjoyable for those in the area of technical support.

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND ITS STUCK DOWN NOW
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.

Thought for the Day
"We can learn a lot about holidays by studying the origins of their names. For example, 'Mardi Gras' is French for 'Show us your tits.'"
-- D. R. Porterfield

Shindig
Saturday night there was a little shindig over at Buddy's shack. Live bluegrass and lots of beer. A great time was had by all. I'm hoping to put some larger pictures in the photo album soon.

Some of the players

Some of the audience

Do You Have a Referral?
Lately, a fairly large percentage of visitors to this site have been referred by a Google search for "enema nozzles". While I included a brief feature on this topic a couple of months ago, it's not our primary focus here, so I'm not sure why it's generating so many hits. Searches for "surreal erotica" and "commentary surreal" probably brought up this site because of our philosophical dedication to promoting surrealism in everyday life. Other search terms have included:

That last one is really weird.... Anyway, these bizarre referrers are one reason I installed the Creative Dynamix Search Engine. If there actually is a reference somewhere to nude illusion costumes or singapore christmas decor somewhere, it's at least a little easier to find now.

Strange Dream
I dreamed I was in a fairly upscale restaurant with a bunch of other people I knew in the dream, and somebody mentioned Richard Nixon, whereupon I started into my (in)famous Nixon imitation. Then someone else said, "Sssshhh! He's right over there!" I looked over my shoulder and sure enough, there was Richard Nixon sitting by himself at a table in the corner, scowling over his remorse salad. None of us appeared to remember that he was actually dead -- we just thought it was kind of interesting to see him there.

Thought for the Day
"Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you."
-- Tommy Smothers