SAT 10 FEB 2001

Thought for the Day
"Property is theft."
"Property is liberty."
"Property is impossible."
-- P. J. Proudhon

Chef's Choice Like many people, you may be horrified by the thought of aborted fetuses carelessly tossed into trash bins for disposal. What a waste of protein! Well, L'Aborted Fetus attempts to remedy this horrendous tragedy with a wide menu of fetus-based delicacies, prepared with the finest French culinary expertise and served up just the way you like 'em! The perfect setting for a romantic dinner.

Pépites De Bébé

Good News and Bad News
George W. Bush steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, the Dubya is pretty pissed off. He storms into his security staff's HQ and yells, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the damn front lawn! And they wrote it in piss! Sonuvabitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bush hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!"

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, Dubya's chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well, Mr. President, we have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" Bush says, "Give me the good news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Bush breaks into a big grin and says "Al Gore? Well, that just figures, doesn't it? Still can't get over the election, eh? What a loser! He's really made an ass out of himself this time." After a good chuckle Bush asks, "Okay, so what's the bad news?" The officer replies, "Well sir, it's in your daughter's handwriting."

Correction
Sometime back, we quoted hyperfeminist Andrea Dworkin as saying that "all sex is rape." We have been informed by several sources that this is a misquote. What Dworkin actually said was, "Rape is the primary heterosexual model for sexual relating." Well gosh, that's a big difference, isn't it? Sorry, Andrea, guess we got a little confused there somehow.

Thought for the Day
"Doubt everything. Find your own light."
-- Last words of Gautama Buddha, in Theravada tradition

Darn, We Were Hoping the Drugs Were Free...

Authoritarian Libertarians
A number of my friends have expressed interest in the policies and positions of the Libertarian Party, and for awhile I was interested too. But something bothered me about the whole thing, and I think I might have figured out what it is. Libertarianism is attractive to left-leaning individuals because of its emphasis on civil liberties and its opposition to victimless crimes. But it is also committed to capitalism, an essentially authoritarian economic system that makes freedom contingent on wealth, and it denies the concept of workers' rights. It takes the view that in a workplace situation the employer is king, and if employees don't like the policies or feel they've been treated unfairly, they can just go work somewhere else. Marijuana might be legalized, but employers could still drug test and fire people for that reason, or any other reason, or no reason. And if you did get fired for no reason, you'd have no employment compensation and no legal recourse. Doesn't sound like such a free society anymore, does it? Personally I think the Libertarian Party should change its name to the Capitalist Party. It'd be much more descriptive and accurate.

Update
Added Benoît to Cagers. (Thanks for the photo, B!)

Thought for the Day
"No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately."
-- Michel de Montaigne

Well, Duh...

Smart Move: A College Story
From the halls of academia comes this anecdote:

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1,000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy galavanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1,000 students in the class. Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this jerk standing in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said "Pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room.

Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty... almost an hour after the test was 'officially over', our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam. "What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited) It was clear the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.

"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated. "Your exam is an hour late. You've failed it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."

The student smiled slyly and asked the professor, "Do you know who I am?"

"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.

The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"

"NO," snarled the proffesor.

The student looked at the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so," as he lifted up one of the stacks halfway, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.

For more college adventures, visit collegestories.com.

Groundhog Geography
On Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil (the nation's official groundhog) saw his shadow, indicating six more weeks of winter. And sure enough, the northeast is now buried under several feet of snow and ice. Here in NC, where Groundhog Day was overcast, it's been steadily warming all week and is supposed to hit the mid-70s (F) by Friday. We may get an early spring after all. The moral: don't listen to the media -- consult your local groundhog.

Thought for the Day
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
-- Anaïs Nin

Priceless

 

Priceless Too
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 13, Tampax, Super Size." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or kind you pound in with a hammer?"
[submitted by Anonymous]

Personal Observation
It's ironic that one of things people seem most afraid of in the US are teenagers with guns, while at the same time much of the rest of the world views the US itself as an overgrown teenager with lots and lots of guns.

Thought for the Day
"Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time."
-- Tallulah Bankhead

Not to Be Outdone...
A week or two ago, we published news of the iNax, Apple's diversification into the personal sanitation field. It seems that Microsoft has followed up on this development quickly with its own product line.

Imbolc Fire
Friday night I made a fire in the fire circle for Imbolc -- after sunset, so technically a little late, but nonetheless a gratifying experience. Traditionally, the holiday was when Yule greenery was burned at the approach of spring. It is much more powerful when experienced than when read about: there is a certain ambiance to an outdoor fire in winter, warmth and light in the midst of cold and darkness, and at times it seemed to take on a life of its own. Fanned by a wind from the north, the fire rose high, flaming and flickering and sending out legions of sparks. The burning away of winter. I've read in older accounts of the holiday that the first buds are supposed to be appearing now, but so far I haven't seen any. It's still cold.

Thought for the Day
"The colors of life in youth and age appear different, as the face of nature in spring and winter. And how can children credit the assertions of parents, which their own eyes show them to be false?"
-- Dr. Samuel Johnson