SAT 27 JAN 2001

Update
Since a number of people seem to find this site while looking for something in particular (via Google, Lycos, Dogpile, etc.), I added a search function to the site, courtesy of FreeFind.

Thought for the Day
"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."
Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

Inspiration for Futurama?

From Amazing Stories, April 1942. Artwork by Frank R. Paul.

This illustration reminds me a lot of the city shown at the beginning of each episode of Matt Groening's Futurama cartoon series.

It's a High-Tech World
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers, like a telephone, but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here. The guy says, "You don't understand. This is the latest in cutting-edge technology. I had a phone chip installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it!" So the guy dials up a number and holds his hand out to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation.

"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah," says the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where's the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, then 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.

The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.

"What the hell!" says the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy casually turns around, and says: "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Credit Cards are Evil
I just recently received a notice from a credit card company whom I've held an account with for several years that the permanent, fixed-forever, not an introductory offer, low low interest rate which because of my excellent credit rating will never ever change, has changed. This is because of the teeny-weeny fine print on all credit card agreements that secretly gives the credit card companies the right to do just about anything they damn well please, no matter what promises they've already made to their customers. The only good thing I can say about this is that they at least told me directly about the rate increase and didn't try to trick me into it, as another credit company attempted to do last fall. The reason they gave for this 35%+ increase in interest charges was that the old rate had become "uneconomical". Well, it's plenty economical for me, since at this point it's almost as low as the prime rate. So I guess they must mean that it's become uneconomical for them. If that's the case, maybe they shouldn't have promised a low fixed rate to begin with if they're just going to break that agreement whenever it suits them. Assholes. They'll be sorry, though. I'll just transfer the balance to another card with a permanent, fixed-forever, low low interest rate....

Thought for the Day
"Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Sign Translation
Yesterday I posted a photo of a sign on the shed and asked if anyone knew what it meant. I was directed by a knowledgeable friend to a Swedish/English translation site (turns out the sign is in Swedish) where he was able to figure out pretty much what it says. Here's his assessment:

 perilous
building, construction
touch not
apparatus, appliance, device, machine and management

 

DANGER
Construction
DO NOT TOUCH
machinery and/or controls

---

Thanks, Dave. This explains why I've never seen a single Swede in the shed this whole time. May your processors always be speedy, your memory always spacious, and your drive always hard.

Ask a Stupid Question...
Just for giggles and squirts, go to the Google search engine, type in "dumb motherfucker", and see what comes up at the top of the list.

Thought for the Day
"Humor teaches tolerance."
-- W. Somerset Maugham

What Does This Sign Say?

Above is a sign that came from somewhere sometime in the past. I found it at the bottom of a box after we moved, already quite weatherbeaten; either someone gave it to me or it was left at one of the rented dumps where we used to live. It's now nailed to the door of the shed, probably trying to say something completely irrelevant to sheds. I showed it to an old friend of mine, a cunning linguist and polyglot who speaks Spanish fluently and German passably, with a working knowledge of Portuguese, French, and Latin, and a smattering of Russian, Greek, and Urdu. He didn't know what the hell it said either, although he surmised that it might possibly be in Finnish. The sign says:

In tiny print at the very bottom, it says on the left "E 18 866-41", and on the right with a couple of characters scratched off, "AVIKEN SK [??] AB".

The most important parts of the sign are apparently "LIVSFARLIG" and "VIDRÖR EJ", but apart from that I have no clue about it. If anyone knows what this sign actually says, and what language it's written in, please let me know.

Nudes of the World
The Nude Olympics open in Australia this week (remember, it's summer "down under" right now), but there is as yet no word as to whether ESPN plans to televise the events. I think they should. After all, they've already got nude weathergirls in Scotland. On the other hand, police in England have arrested four naked garden gnomes for indecent exposure. The gnomes have also been barred from participating in Olympic events or making weather forecasts.

Jesus Tackles the Drug Problem
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples in an emergency meeting because of the excessive drug consumption all over the earth.

After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.

The secret operation is effected, and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:

"Who is it?"
"It's Paul."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco."
"Very well son, come in."

Another knock.
"Who is it?"
It's Mark."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia."
"Very well son, come in."

A third knock.
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia."
"Very well son, come in."

A fourth knock.
"Who is it?"
"It's John."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, John?"
"Crack from New York."
"Very well son, come in."

A fifth knock.
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam."
"Very well son, come in."

A sixth knock.
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Judas?"
"The FBI! Everybody up against the wall!"

Abbreviated Creation?
It has been pointed out that Monday's joke, "Digital Genesis", covers only five of seven days. Sorry, but that's how I received it. If there's more to it, and somebody has the rest of it, please feel free to send it to me.

Thought for the Day
"If the lines on your hands are wrinkles, it means your hands worry a lot."
-- Andy Warhol

Apple Diversifies

Sorry, the iNax is not available outside of Japan.

Spanish Blast from the Past
While eating lunch at a little Mexican place that constantly plays ethnic music in Spanish but also has very low prices, a song came on that instantly caught my ear. I recognized the melody, the bouncy rhythm, the country twang. This was a pop song that I remembered from many years ago, but I couldn't quite place it, because the lyrics were in Spanish. Where I had I heard it before? It must have been twenty years....

It was a John Denver song from the '70s. In Spanish.

Is NAFTA responsible for this in any way?

Useless News
Washington pranksters have removed the letter "W" from White House keyboards, much to the chagrin of the incoming President. In related news, Amazon.com is taking down the Shrubya's wish list simply because it happens to be bogus; in unrelated news, it turns out that breast implants are not tax-deductable. Film at 11.

Thought for the Day
"If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side."
-- Orson Scott Card

All Hail King George II, Pretender to the Throne

Creative Dynamix joins the rest of America in honoring our new monarch.

Update
Added some questions and answers following the conclusion of The Rat in the Darkness. Be sure to read the story first.

Digital Genesis
*File Description:*

THE CREATION:

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said. . . .

%Let there be light!

#Enter user id.

%God

#Enter password.

%Omniscient

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Omnipotent

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Technocrat

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

%Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

%Create light

#Done

%Run heaven and earth

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

%Create firmament

#Done.

%Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

%Create dry_land

#Done.

%Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create sun_moon_stars

#Done

%Run sun_moon_stars

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

%Create fish

#Done

%Create fowl

#Done

%Run fish, fowl

#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

memepool.com
It's the ritalin.

Thought for the Day
"That which exists is allowed."
-- John Lilly, The Center of the Cyclone