SAT 06 JAN 2001

Thought for the Day
"Just dig a hole that's deep enough, and everybody will want to jump into it."
-- Some Chinese Philosopher

Collect Call of Cthulhu

I'm going to occupy myself this weekend by attempting to write a parody of/tribute to/extrapolation from the works of H. P. Lovecraft. It's part of a three-day novel-writing contest sponsored by a friend in the Great White North. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Speaking of Writing...
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write things that the whole world will read, things that people will react to on a truly emotional level, things that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Thought for the Day
"Life is like high school with money."
-- Frank Zappa

Old and New Computers

Royal X32 CompuPro Mark III

Apple iMac DVSE

Frozen Meat Dept.
According to the always up-front news source Ananova, police in Connecticut have been asked to destroy a six-foot snow and ice sculpture depicting a penis. They should (so to speak) chill out. It's not the first time it's happened -- hell, my friends and I made one in college back in the '70s -- and it's not the only one, either. Some people might even consider it art, which in turn can inspire more art. And if you're shy about exhibiting such things in public, you can always do it in the privacy of your own freezer. So what's the beef?

Twisted Histories
Just about everybody has seen that "children's history" that starts off about the citizens of Egypt being called mummies, but there are lesser-known "twistories" out there as well. Topics range from general synopses and broad overviews to more specific topics, such as the histories of the English language, electricity, and stupid people. There's even an interactive history of the Wienermobile, which I don't think is supposed to be funny but is anyway, sort of. Closer to home, Creative Dynamix offers our own version of history by kids, with quotes submitted from various sources. While all of the "kid history" quotes are allegedly authentic, I personally suspect that some of them may not be, so caveat lector.

Thought for the Day
"Whatever you are, be a good one."
-- Abraham Lincoln

Microsoft Unveils Simplified Keyboard

Jamming the Phoneys
After nearly being rammed this morning by some self-absorbed bozo yakking on his cell phone when he should have been watching where the hell he was driving, I got this idea. Wouldn't it be great if you could point some little gizmo at the offending blabbermouth and zap their conversation into oblivion? Well, such things (or similar things) do exist, but they're illegal in the U.S. (doesn't that just figure?), punishable by an $11,000 fine and up to a year in jail. Nonetheless, they are out there, often marketed through other countries, since they're basically simple devices that can be built from parts cannibalized from an ordinary cordless phone and wired to broadcast white noise in the 800MHz - 900 MHz range. Some plans even exist on the darker corners of the Net. Not that we'd condone any such activities ourselves....

Silence is Golden
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours.' Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!'"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."

Thought for the Day
"Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
-- Steven Wright

Spreak Engrish! For strange Japanese products and advertising, visit The Dragon's Roar. Featuring nude cola, horny remover, iGum, and much much more. There's even vacuum-packed schoolgirl panties. For vibratory refreshment. Let's enjoy yourselves!

Okay, That'll Work
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied. "The hens are around back."

Millennium Burnout
On New Years' Eve I stayed up until about 7:00 or 7:30 in the jingle-jangle morning, waiting for the first sunrise of the new millennium. Then I went to bed and slept for most of New Years' Day, getting up in the afternoon long enough to have a traditional meal of country ham, black-eyed peas, and collards, and then going back to bed. For some reason, I'm still recouperating today, despite many extra hours of rest. But damn, it sure was worth it. Happy New Year to all!

Thought for the Day
"Is consciousness just a special form of hallucination?"
-- Frank Herbert

Thought for the Day
"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move."
-- Douglas Adams