FRI 15 DEC 2000

What a Nozzle!
Tired of that same old enema, day after day? Anymas.com offers a stimulating selection of diverse enema nozzles in a variety of shapes and sizes, including the Flairtip, the Plug, and the Titanic (for those really big jobs). They are presumably made by NozWiz, who looks like he has years of experience with this kind of thing. Enema nozzles -- they're not just for old people anymore!

The "Center Bulge" Nozzle

A List of Sinful Things
An off-the-wall fundie who calls himself "Bear" for some unknown reason (probably not this one) posted a long message in a religious discussion forum about the Biblical figure Cain. In addition to trying to explain why people with artistic talents and abilities are in fact the degenerate spawn of Cain, the post also lists the following sinful acts and objects:

Amusement parks
Fancy restaurants
Drugs
Strong drink
Food
A Christmas tree
Gossip and idle chatter
Gameboy
Whoredom
Fancy clothes and jewelry
Education
Movie theatres
Blockbuster
Travelling
Gardening
The millions of volumes in libraries

Out of the whole ridiculous list, I'd say the admonition against "education" is most revealing, as well as the "millions of volumes in libraries" that this person has obviously avoided, um, religiously. The Christmas tree, of course, is pagan, but I had no idea that there were so many retired people guilty of the sin of gardening. Also interesting is the "gameboy/whoredom" juxtaposition. No wonder these people are so concerned about getting to heaven -- they obviously lack the capacity to enjoy life while they're here. Perhaps they should forsake the sin of "food" and hasten their departure to the hereafter. Or they could view some truly horrendously "sinful" objects by checking out the link below.

Xmas Toys
For the most utterly blasphemous toys imaginable, go here (but not if you're in the least bit easily offended). Thanks, Eva.

Thought for the Day
"What is the answer?" [silence] "In that case, what is the question?"
-- Gertrude Stein, last words

Three Ships

The Virginia State Quarter has been out for couple of months and is now being widely circulated. I think it's the prettiest one yet -- the ship design is well executed, and avoids the already-clichéd "state outline" motif. Pros: Original theme; attractive design. Cons: Jumping the gun on the Jamestown anniversary by seven years strikes me as somewhat self-serving.

Virginia State Quarter

Update
Completely overhauled the links page.

Wonders of Technology
A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a large American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers light up above the walls.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Texas Über Alles
Hail to the thief! For the first time in our 225-year history, we've had the head of one branch of government appointed by another branch of government, and the Court has chosen George W. Bush to be coronated... er, inaugurated as the 43rd President of the United States. Even though he lost the popular vote nationally, and probably in Florida as well. We'll never know, of course, since the recounts were stopped and re-started and repeatedly delayed until there was no time left to be sure all the votes had been counted, with the Republicans all the while repeating the Big Lie that the votes have already all been counted. We'll never know the truth about the 19,000 discarded ballots, or the real intention of voters in Palm Beach. We'll never know who the people stopped at the roadblocks around certain polling sites in Florida might have voted for. We'll never know which candidate the people who had their names wrongfully purged from the voter rolls might have cast their ballots for. We'll never know what might have transpired in Florida without the shenanigans of Brother Jeb and his bimbo sidekick Katherine Harris. The right-leaning Supreme Court saved us that effort with their narrow and by all appearances ideological decision to appoint a conservative candidate -- who in all likelihood did not actually win the election -- to the most powerful office in the world. Odd for a court that usually defers strongly to states' rights. Odd for a court that has traditionally eschewed "judicial activism." In another country, under another set of circumstances, it might have been called a "coup", the victory of a political junta. But not here. This is America. And America is the Land of the Free, right? So we all have to pull together, right? We all need to get behind the President whether or not we really believe he's legitimate, right?

Well, maybe we should.

And maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.

Thought for the Day
"Curious, how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."
Mr. Spock, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4.

Nude Man Carrot (Need We Say More?)

Nude Man Carrot
(Thanks once again to Seraphine!)

Women are Animals
Men may be pigs, but women are all kinds of fauna! From Seraphine comes this link to Chicks with Antlers. If you still want more, the Shanmonster suggests this site from Japan, but beware: "This site may includes some injurious to your susceptibilty contents."

Politically Correct News
Even as the Shrubya prepares to be appointed President by the conservative Supreme Court, political correctness remains alive and well. In California, a chunky 4th-grader is going to court over being turned down as a ballerina. Friendship Heights, Maryland, has banned all tobacco smoking, even outdoors. And a recent study has concluded that video games are unhealthy for girls because they involve violence and portray women as having breasts. More proof that neither side has a monopoly on stupidity.

Thought for the Day
"Crime does not pay... as well as politics."
-- Alfred E. Neuman

A Picture of That Mouse with the Ear

This picture has nothing to do with anything,
but it's still pretty cool.

A New Position
These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both getting bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn. "Look," he shouts, "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replies, "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?" The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me six margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

I Have a Horrible Disease
For the last three days I've been down with a bug of some kind. My stomach hurts and I have a headache, but that's not the worst of it. I also have no energy. None. I hate having no energy. Maybe I've got sleeping sickness. Or something. Bleah.

Thought for the Day
"He is the best physician who is the most ingenious inspirer of hope."
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Thought for the Day
"The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next."
-- Ursula K. LeGuin