SUN 03 DEC 2000

Quality of Vandalism Continues to Decline

Photo by Peter Lorenz

Thought for the Day
"I find letters from God dropped in the street, and every one is signed by God's name."
-- Walt Whitman

Thought for the Day
"Never fight a battle unless you know you'll win."
-- Sun Tzu, On the Art of War

Thought for the Day
"It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything."
--Josef Stalin

More Offensive Religious Humor

Thanks to KJ!

Biology Class
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girls' junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Newswired
Just to get your mind off ballots and chads for a few minutes, here's some strange news from the weird web wire.... *clicking newswire sounds* ... A McDonald's restaurant in Virginia has served up a fried chicken head ... an Australian biotech company has taken out a patent on human/animal hybrids ... and a 15-year-old girl in Illinois has confessed that she beat up her prom date because he wouldn't kiss her. (Film at 11.) So you see, aside from the continually mutating non-election imbroglio, life goes on as usual.

Thought for the Day
"Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all."
-- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Another Genetically Engineered Horror

This cow was genetically designed to keep dairy farmers from getting lost.

Politically Correct Holiday Woes
Subject: Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And, don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately, not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Anybody??? Forget about the gift exchange -- no gift exchanges are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.

NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED.

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim Holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short this time of year -- or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men, as each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing is allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, so we suggest that people with high blood pressure problems taste it first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?
Patty

---------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do you expect me to do, tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.

OKAY???
Patty

---------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up? PLEASE?????????

Also, the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&*#! Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: #%&*%^ Holiday Party

I have no #%&*^ idea what this announcement is all about. What the #%&^! do I care. I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!

You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

(signed)
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

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FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
To: All Employees
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays,
Terri

This humor thanks to Tom D.

Thought for the Day
"Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit."
-- W. Somerset Maugham

Artistic Alchemy

Czech artist Jan Svankmajer has been called the "Alchemist of the Surreal". His work spans four decades and a variety of media, including poetry, sculpture, drawings, and film, yet he remains almost unknown in the United States. Could it be because his art isn't commercial enough? Nah, couldn't be....

Miracles of the Desert, 1997

Cloning for the Insane
This story is from October, but still worth reading: A religious cult heavily into aliens and sex is trying to produce the world's first human clone. Get the details here. Anyway, aren't there enough weird people in the world already without cloning more?

All Things Come to Those Who Wait
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, it'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, then he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy, and celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left in here? Oh yes!... Multiple orgasms...."

(Once again, a tip of the hat to Doyce for this joke.)

Thought for the Day
"A man who can fool chiefs, and even gods, must still face the monsters he himself created."
-- Old Maori saying

Contributions from the Cage

A couple of my pals from the Cage have posted links to some interesting web sites, and I thought I'd pass them along. Benoît offers these collected recipes, and Eva has found links for two very unusual sites -- Tongue Page 99 and the Al Gore Or Unabomber Quiz. Thanks, y'all!

Thanksgiving in Tennessee
For Thanksgiving, my wife and I wandered over to Jonesborough, Tennessee, to visit my brother and his wife and their two kids and large dog. We weren't the only people visiting for the holidays, so rather than adding ourselves to their already full house, we stayed at a comfy little Bed & Breakfast called the May-Ledbetter House, right in the downtown historic district. The house was originally built in 1904, on a site formerly occupied by the first abolitionist publication office in America (c. 1820). When we arrived, Doug (the owner) was putting up a huge Chistmas tree in the parlor, and his wife Donna was weaving holiday wreaths by hand. The old-fashioned decorations combined with the antique warmth of the Victorian house made it feel as though we were peeking in on a Christmas from a hundred years ago.

The Victorian Room at the May-Ledbetter House, Jonesborough, TN.
The bed is possibly the most comfortable we've ever slept in.

On Friday, as a complete change of pace, Ruthie and I went out with my brother to a local and very authentic cajun restaurant. After appetizers of fried calimari (squid) and boiled crawfish, I dug into blackened 'gator over red beans and rice. None of these exotic delicacies tasted anything like chicken. The calimari tasted like something deep-fried and slightly chewy, the crawfish tasted similar to (but better than) lobster, and the 'gator was different from anything else I've ever had -- tender, spicy, and vaguely reptilian. There was also an underlying flavor in everything that I can only describe as mildly swampy, which I imagine is part of what makes the food authentic. Truly an adventure in dining, and a welcome change from turkey and cranberry sauce.

Signs of Life
Two unintentionally funny signs that we saw on the trip to Tennessee (but unfortunately did not get photos of):

Thought for the Day
"There are no more thorough prudes than those who have some little secret to hide."
-- George Sand

Holiday Announcement
Creative Dynamix will remain unupdated for the next few days to honor our nation's fallen turkeys.

Turkey Tanlines
(Thanks to Marian!)

Stars
It is a cold clear windy night, and the stars are brilliant diamonds against the black sky. Aries is rising high in the east, with Taurus and Orion chasing him, Castor and Pollux close by. The Milky Way is jeweled with bright stars: Betelguese, Capella, Algol, Deneb, Altair. They are staggeringly beautiful and staggeringly distant, keepers of cosmic secrets from before the dawn of time. Soon they will all have cars named after them.

Thought for the Day
"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform."
-- Mark Twain

I'd Go Back If I Were You...

Snow
The forecast yesterday was for sleet and freezing rain, but instead we got snow, big puffy flakes that started in the late morning and fell well into the afternoon. By the time it was over, we had two inches of snow fall -- a record for the area for this time of year. The ground was still warm, though, so it didn't stick to the roads, which is a good thing since people down in this part of the country don't drive very well in snow (hell, they don't drive very well period).
This morning the trees and fields were frosted in white, but it'll all burn off by this afternoon. It was a pleasant if brief taste of winter.

Thought for the Day
"We need not fear those who do evil in the name of evil, but Heaven protect us from those who do evil in the name of good."
-- Arthur C. Adams