SAT 18 NOV 2000

Election Souvenirs
We all knew it was just a matter of time before stuff like this started showing up.

From modernhumorist.com

Thought for the Day
"The human brain evidently operates on some variation of the famous principal enunciated in The Hunting of the Snark: 'What I tell you three times is true.'"
-- Norman Weiner, Cybernetics

New Computer
I just bought a new iMac to replace my four-year-old Mac clone dinosaur, even though a riding lawn mower would have been a more practical purchase. I'm also getting cable modem service. Wheee!

iMac DV Special Edition

Beer and Music
Last night I got about half drunk with Buddy and Cecil over at the shack, and we started singing. I know an old bluegrass song called "The Old Home Place", and they knew it too, and we sang that. Then Cecil taught me the words to "Goodnight Irene", and we sang that. Then I sang "Uncle John's Band" (without mentioning that it was a Grateful Dead song), and they liked that, too, even though they didn't know it.
Have you ever noticed that "music" and "magic" only differ by one letter?

Thought for the Day
"Some of us awake in the night with strange phantasms of enchanted hills and gardens, of fountains that sing in the sun, of golden cliffs overhanging murmuring seas, of plains that stretch down to sleeping cities of bronze and stone, and of shadowy companies of heroes that ride caparisoned white horses along the edges of thick forests, and then we know that we have looked back through the ivory gates into that world of wonder that was ours before we were wise and unhappy."
-- H.P. Lovecraft, Celephais

Potty Mouth

Graffiti from Seattle, WA

Culture buffs and toilet afficianados will be delighted with Latrinalia: The Study of Restrooom Graffiti. The site features photographs, commentary and analysis of various profundities scrawled on the walls and doors of bathroom stalls throughout North America. Once you're privy to these heady thoughts, you may find yourself a bit flushed, but don't get bowled over -- in the end, you'll be saying "Tank you!"

Parrots
A woman buys a pair of talking parrots, both female, but when she gets them home she is horrified to discover that the only thing they say is, "Hi, we're prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?" Being an upright churchgoing woman, she immediately calls her minister to tell him about this disturbing situation.
The minister is equally horrified, but offers a suggestion. "I also have a pair of talking parrots," says the minister, "but they are quite different from yours. They are males, and I've taught them how to read the Bible and pray. Perhaps if you brought your pair of female parrots over to my house, my pair of male parrots might influence them to forsake their sinful speech for something more appropriate."
The woman eagerly agrees, and when she arrives at the minister's house with her parrots, she sees the minister's parrots reading tiny Bibles and muttering prayers. The minister opens the cage door, and she places her female parrots in the cage with the minister's male parrots.
The female parrots, as usual, exclaim: "Hi, we're prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"
At which point one of the minister's parrots turns to the other and squawks, "Drop that Bible, Fred -- our prayers have been answered!"

Vote Laundering Enters Spin Cycle
As I predicted last night, George Bush has rejected Al Gore's compromise offer, preferring instead to demonstrate his compassion and presidentiality by executing a mentally retarded man with an IQ of 56. Perhaps the governor felt intellectually threatened. Meanwhile, we learn that Gore has captured the porn vote. Go America. Rah, rah.

Thought for the Day
"When the true king's murderers are allowed to roam free, a thousand magicians arise in the land."
-- Jim Morrison, An American Prayer

Al Does Something Right
I'm no big fan of Al Gore -- he's far too conservative for my taste -- but tonight he did pretty well. In a nationally televised speech, Gore said that if the Republicans will allow the recount to actually finish [personal observation: why are the Pubs so afraid of counting all the votes?], he'll accept the results without further contest. If Bush prefers, they can recount the whole state manually, just so nobody can complain that it's just heavily Democratic counties involved (no matter that that's where the main problems happened to occur in brother Jeb's state). And he said he was willing to discuss the matter with Bush one-on-one, to help end the inflammatory partisan rhetoric being tossed around. What's not to like about that deal?
I don't know either, but it probably won't happen, since even as I write, Jeb's main bimbo... oops, I mean the Florida Secretary of State... is denying an extension to the recount. And according to early reports, the Shrubya has already rejected Gore's offer out of hand.
If he had any semblance of character, any concept of bipartisanship, Bush would be insisting on a recount himself, insisting that the voice of the people whom he claims to trust so much be heard in full, so that he wouldn't be entering office under the taint of scandal and impropriety before he even took his inaugural oath. But he won't. Because he's apparently unaware that in America, everyone's vote should count. And that doesn't make him very promising Presidential material, now does it?
I knew Bush wouldn't have the nerve to look Gore in the eye after all this.

Eating Squirrel
I just got back from our neighbor Buddy's, where I had squirrel for the first time in at least 36 years. (The last squirrel I had was cooked by my grandad, who died in 1964.) This was cooked the same way -- pan-fried -- over a wood stove. It was absolutely delicious.
Some people say squirrel tastes like chicken (but then again, everything is supposed to taste like chicken), but to me it more looks like chicken than tastes like it. It peels off the bone in strips like chicken (although the bones are in different places than with chicken -- there are two rather than one in the hind legs, for instance) -- but to me it tasted more like pork, but maybe slightly heavier, with a little more of a "gamey" flavor, as might be expected.
Buddy says it tastes like squirrel.

Insane Right-Wing Rant of the Month
In response to the defeat of Oregon's Measure 9, which would have banned public school teachers from even mentioning such subjects as condoms or AIDS, Kevin from Kansas writes:

Kevin (Unregistered User) 09-Nov-00, 01:43 PM (EST)

"Oregon signed up for homo-school"

If I read right, Oregon voters have decided that the government schools have to teach that homosexualism is a good and wholesome lifestyle.

Tobacco company's are being sued because they promote a product that kills kids and older people (although it doesn't often happen with-in the first 20 to 40 years of smoking).

The democrat party is of the opinion that homeschooled kids should sue their parents for homeschooling them instead of letting them go to the government school when they grow up.

I think the parents of every little boy that is turned queer by the Oregon government school system should sue the queer population for billions of $'s to cover the medical costs that they might incure if their kid gets the aids virus and then sue the state of Oregon for punitive damages when their kid dies of AIDS.

The queer lifestyle is extremely more dangerous than a cigarette. And the government doesn't have any right to involve their religion in the government school system in the USA.

This demented yet somehow amusing post, along with various replies, can be found here for the time being. For a completely different perspective on Measure 9, check out this report from Seanbaby.

Beatles Accused of Witchcraft
The man who tried to kill George Harrison was a paranoid schizophrenic who thought the Beatles were "all witches", a court has been told. Get the full story here. (Now if we could just do something about the rest of the witch-hunters....)

Thought for the Day
"It's better to burn out than to fade away."
-- Neil Young

Wipe Your Cares Away
Few people have considered the advantages and aesthetics of Modern Moist Towelette Collecting, so hats off to these folks for bringing it to the attention of the general public. The site is distinctly international in flavor, including a gallery of towelettes from countries around the world. No matter where you are, you can always count on being moist when you need to be.

Moist towelette from China

What Does This Mean?
Sometimes I'll plug a couple of apparently unrelated words into the Google search engine and see what comes up. I found this site as a result of a search for "digital cucumber". I still can't quite figure out what it's supposed to be about, despite helpful explanations like this:

"The group CYBERDIGM: Designer Personality Constructs (DPCs), was formed to generate DPCs that were to function as post Feng Shuists in an Edge subculture movie called CyberHouseTao. CYBERDIGM spent two years attempting to unify evolving collective archetypes into focal points of appropriated personification that could be downloaded into bodies that were primed to the exponentially expanding information Edge."

Oh, now I see. Not. I think they have something to do with UFOs, but that's about all I can tell.

Urgent Update: Florida Recount
Thanks to Bullwinkle for this late-breaking news:

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.

"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.

"We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarassment for too long now."

Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachussetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds.

"These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.

From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected senator Hilary Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill, calling Florida "a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban immigrants."

"Learn English already, you banana boat bums," Clinton added.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots.

"It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherantly flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot mast- err, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy."

"Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted by robots."

Dynamiting will begin in Florida next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically seperated from the United States.

"After that, they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink."

Thought for the Day
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
-- Albert Camus

High There!

At CannabisCulture, they not only offer world marijuana news, an extensive cannabis library, and a connection to Pot-TV, they also feature BudBabes. Guaranteed to offend both puritanical and politically correct sensibilities.

Update
With the fate of the US Presidency hanging in the balance, I've added Meanwhile, in the Universe Next Door... to Explositions.

Family Joke
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Thought for the Day
"I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers."
-- David McWherter