SAT 09 SEP 2000

Thought for the Day
"What are conservatives conserving?"
--Carl Sagan

True Surrealism

Some people apparently come to this site looking for surrealistic art. Although some of Ruthie's paintings might possibly qualify as surrealistic, people looking for truly surrealistic visuals should definitely check out Weeping Cherry. It features not only surrealistic paintings, but also painted sculpture, computer graphics, and a nice selection of surreal erotica.

The Beast with Five Fingers
We've all heard the expression about the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing, but this is ridiculous.

Thought for the Day
"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste more like prunes than a rhubarb does."
-- Groucho Marx

Scientists Discover Heaven!
According to Internet Religious News, scientists have obtained photographs of heaven itself. "Reports have been made to the public and in the press that NASA insiders released secret classified information saying that on Dec. 26, 1993, the Hubble Telescope made visual contact with Heaven and took hundreds of pictures and sent these pictures of Heaven to the Goddard Space Center in Maryland. Government insiders report in the pictures of Heaven, you can see bright light and what looks like the Holy City. The insider also reports Heaven is located at the end of the Universe." I can just see the follow-up story now: "Deep-Sea Oil Rig Punches Through into Hell, Extinguishes Lake of Fire".

Heaven, as photographed by the Hubble Telescope
(at least according to these guys) 

Dream Theory
I was considering that maybe when we dream, our consciousness travels to other times and places, possibly even other planets with intelligent life, and the strange surrealistic events that transpire are our minds' best ability to translate these alien experiences into human terms. Then again, maybe not.

Working Together
This do-it-yourself craft project teaches cooperation and teamwork.

Thought for the Day
"Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve."
-- George Bernard Shaw

Fashion Statement
Personally, I've always found it quite elegant when a woman wears gloves.

Neologism
A friend of mine came up with a new word called "reintarnation". That's when you die and come back as a hillbilly.

Bizarre Bygones
I like old stuff. I like weird stuff. So not surprisingly, I also like old weird stuff, which is available in abundance at Brian's Page of Antique Weirdness. There you'll find patent medicines (such as cannabis extract for infants' relief), old-time religion, dirty comics of yesteryear, and numerous other curiosities that grandma never told you about. Ah, the good old days....

Thought for the Day
"Give me control of a planet's oxygen supply, and I don't care who makes the laws."
--Great Cthulhu's Starry Wisdom Band

Say What?

A lesson for politicians everywhere -- always assume someone's listening. Presidential hopeful George Shrubya apparently forgot this rule over the weekend, when an unnoticed microphone picked up his characterization of New York Times Washington Bureau reporter Adam Clymer as a "major league asshole." Curiously, the NYT itself is downplaying the incident. Bush's new slogan: "Restoring dignity to the White House through gratutitous profanity and childish remarks."

Marketplace
In today's world of supermarkets and mega-malls, the flea market off Buckhorn Road offers a hint of the flavor of an old-fashioned marketplace. From rows of stalls and booths, vendors hawk their wares: oranges, melons, tomatoes, socks, t-shirts, belts and wallets, cassette tapes, weapons, posters of Jesus. The strong Hispanic presence and ubiquitous salsa music make it seem almost exotic, sort of. You used to be able to find cool old stuff at flea markets -- wooden furniture, depression glass, metal advertising thermometers -- but these have for the most part relocated to the antique stores, their price tags boosted by 1000%. Now the flea market offers discount underwear, wholesale jewelry, and tacky plastic things that you wonder who actually buys to put in their house. Yet something about the atmosphere brings to mind scenes from outdoor markets in Damascus or Casablanca a thousand years ago. Maybe it's the nachos.

Southern Three-Kick Rule
A big-city yankee lawyer went duck hunting in the rural South. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retreive it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll guarantee you'll regret it."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in the South. We settle small disagreements like this with the Southern Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Southern Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. "Okay, you old coot!" he said. "Now it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

Thought for the Day
"Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
-- P.J. O'Rourke

Spider & Fly
This morning as I was walking in the back yard I was troubled by a large annoying horsefly that kept dive-bombing my head. "Where's a spider when you need one?" I asked myself. As if in reply, the horsefly chose that moment to become entangled in a spider web beneath the overhang of the shed near the woodpile.

The spider, of the brown garden variety, darted out shortly and seemed most pleased to have snared a morsel three times larger than herself. She webbed the fly's large eyes first, weaving a silk blindfold, then bit it behind the head, which made it stop thrashing temporarily. She scuttled behind it and sampled a taste from the fly's fat juicy abdomen, just briefly, then backed off to rest for a minute or two. When the fly started buzzing again, she ran back to its head and bit it once more. Then she proceeded to bind its wings back, first one and then the other, until it was almost unrecognizable as a fly -- just a dark oblong shape woven in white gauze.

The spider feasted at leisure for the rest of the day. By late this afternoon, the fly had shriveled into a dark dry husk. The spider appeared sated and content.

Thought for the Day
"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon."
-- Susan Ertz