SUN 03 SEP 2000

Thought for the Day
"I feel most ministers who claim they've heard God's voice are eating too much pizza before they go to bed at night, and it's really an intestinal disorder, not a revelation."
-- Reverend Jerry Falwell (surprisingly enough)

Thought for the Day
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
--Woody Allen

Operation Successful
Ruthie's surgery went off without a hitch. She came through it even better than expected, and should be fully recouperated within a few days. (I realize this is a very brief summary, but I've been up since before 4:00 this morning. I gotta get some rest....)

Thought for the Day
"Perspective is everything."
--RAP

Medical Leave
Tomorrow we have to get up at about 4:00 in the morning to deal with some minor surgery. Very routine, nothing major, but surgery nonetheless. Updates may be sporadic for the next few days, so I'm posting Thursday's thought for the day a little early.

Literacy Matters
Ask a pediatrician.

Dream
Last night I dreamed I was at a party hosted by the ShanMonster. Many of the people I've met over the internet were in attendance -- it was quite a crowd.

I entered the house through the kitchen. An archway on the left led to the dining room, and there were doorways from both the kitchen and the dining room to a fairly large central living room ahead. The living room had hardwood floors, a sofa, a TV, a stereo, a rectangular coffee table, a round end table, a magazine holder -- things you'd expect to see in a living room. This is where everybody was hanging out. A hallway from the back of the living room led back to a bathroom and one or two bedrooms.

Wizard of Todd was showing people an old royal seal from the 1700s or 1800s, made of gold foil and laminated with what appeared to be mica. The seal was round with an old-fashioned stylized eagle on it -- the eagle had a shield on its chest, rays around its head, and was grasping arrows and an olive branch in its talons. The mica lamination was irregularly round, covering the entire seal. Todd let me hold it, but it was so fragile and delicate I quickly gave it back so as not to damage it. Then Shan offered me a US dollar bill -- I'm not sure why. I thanked her and started digging around in my pocket for a Canadian toonie (Canadian $2 coin) that I knew I had in the dream. But I couldn't find it, and when I looked up Shan was gone, so I started just wandering around the party.

I started to go from the living room back into the kitchen, but instead I found another living room identical to the first one. There were some people I knew there, but not many. I began walking through an apparently infinite succession of living rooms, all identical except for the people. Now I didn't recognize anybody at all. I kept walking through the series of living rooms and finally reached the kitchen.

In the kitchen I saw Peter Lorre, wearing a red Izod alligator shirt from the late '70s. He pointed out an archway in the living room that I hadn't noticed before, over on a side wall. The archway appeared to dead end into a blank wall. "Pull the switch," said Peter Lorre, and wandered off, drink in hand.

I went over to the archway, and on the side I found a switch or latch of some kind. I pulled it, and the wall behind the arch split horizontally across the middle and began receding up into the ceiling and down into the floor. Behind it, stairs began rising hydraulically, clanking into place step by step. At the top of the stairs I noticed a very sci-fi looking metal door that slid to the side as I approached, opening onto a corridor that looked like something from the Starship Enterprise. I followed the corridor, and it led to an observation room with a huge curved glass window looking out over mountains bristling with pine and fir. In the distance I could see a white tower, topped by a column, topped by a statue. The sky was a deep rich blue with a few wispy white clouds. I thought to myself, "Canada really is beautiful."

In the dream, I knew that I somehow had to get out of the observation room and drive a small personal transport vehicle down steep treacherous mountain roads, but fortunately the alarm went off and I didn't have to deal with this.

Thought for the Day
"The variables vary too much, and the constants aren't as constant as they seem."
--Finagle's Fifth Fundamental Finding

Flatlined Geography
Even though most people have already heard of these guys, I just can't help bringing up the Flat Earth Society again. "The whole point of the Copernican theory is to get rid of Jesus by saying there is no up and no down," declares Charles K. Johnson, president of the International Flat Earth Research Society. "The spinning ball thing just makes the whole Bible a big joke." The scary thing is that they're not alone. And it all leaves you wondering just who's serious and who's not.

Update
Added Thomas Hood's The Song of the Shirt to Etc. Dedicated to sweatshop laborers everywhere.

Here Comes Another One, Just Like the Other One

Scientists have cloned another barnyard animal, a dairy cow, this time using the new E-Z Klone kit from Ronco. The cow is named Millie, either in honor of the new millennium or because she's thoroughly modern. I hear the milk tastes the same. Totally, completely, exactly the same....

Millie the Cloned Cow

Thought for the Day
"Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans."
--Betty Talmadge

Cat and Mouse: The Epilogue Over the weekend, both of our cats became increasingly aware that there was a small scuttling presence in the house and began stalking it intently. Today we came home to find the food and water bowls in the kitchen disturbed, small patches of blood on the linoleum, and two very self-satisfied looking kitties. We think the mouse is gone now.

Cheesy Art

If you've grown jaded of ordinary party games like Spin the Pickle and Pin the Charge on the President, here's an activity guaranteed to liven up any soirée -- cheese sculpting. We knew there had to be something you could do with pasteurized processed aerosol cheese food spray besides eating it. See who can make the most recognizable replica of famous architectural achievements. Minutes of fun for the whole gang!

Washington Monument

Sex Ed
America's teachers have a tough time of it. Not only are they underpaid, underappreciated, and overstressed, they can also get themselves in a heap of trouble for doing the nasty with their students. Then again, even if they do get fired, they can probably get reinstated somewhere else, at least for a while. And even if they don't, they still stand to make big bucks off their story. But whatever you do, don't get pulled. Hey, maybe the fourth "R" should be "rubbers".

Artificial Stupidity
After misbehaving this weekend, my hard drive seems a little less flaky today. I spent most of yesterday hitting it with Norton Utilities and other repair tools, and I think it's finally back to some semblance of stability. I really really don't want to have a buy a new hard drive at this time.

Thought for the Day
"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher."
-- Ambrose Bierce